This Father’s Day, why not give your dad the greatest gift of all? By which we clearly mean a Rihanna sex tape.
A clip of something claiming to be a Rihanna sex tape has just found its way onto the internet, with the promise that more will be available to view from Monday. Unless the whole thing’s a fake. Which it might be.
Anyway, our point is that nothing says ‘I love you dad’ more than a sexually graphic video potentially starring a naked pop star who, quite soon after filming, will be beaten within an inch of her life.
Things have been a little bit quiet on the old celebrity sex tape front for a while, haven’t they? There’s a theory that this down to celebrities realising that the best way to protect themselves from online sex tape leaks is to not make sex tapes in the first place, but we disagree. We believe that the celebrity sex tape industry has dried up because there isn’t a celebrity on the face of the Earth who could come close to matching the horrific majesty of the Gene Simmons sex tape.
However, it looks like one plucky challenger might have taken the bait in the shape of Rihanna. Although we’ve seen much, much more of Rihanna that we’ve ever wanted to this year – those naked Rihanna photos showed us what her breasts look like, while her post-beating police report photo showed us what Rihanna’s face looks like with some of the skin torn off – it looks like Rihanna isn’t done showing us bits of herself yet.
That’s right – the much-rumoured Chris Brown/ Rihanna sex tape looks like it’s finally here. And, if it isn’t, then at least a very short video of a woman who looks a tiny bit like Rihanna if you squint a bit is finally here. And isn’t that really the same thing, deep down? Here’s what Hollyscoop has to say on the matter:
The clip below is only a preview, but the caption says that more of the video will be released on June 22nd, which happens to be the same day as Rihanna and Chris Brown’s court hearing. Coincidence?
Now, true, the leaked Rihanna sex tape could be available in full on the day of Rihanna and Chris Brown’s court hearing because somebody wants to damage the credibility of Rihanna’s testimony. But the clip also directs us towards a website which, rather than being anything remotely porny, is actually a MySpace Page featuring possibly the worst music we’ve ever heard in our entire lives, from a man who happens to have an album out on the same day. Coincidence?
And also, while the woman in the sex tape clip does look a little bit like Rihanna, she doesn’t appear to have any of Rihanna’s tattoos. And, rather than pulling one of the stylishly aloof faces that we’ve come to expect from Rihanna, the look of the woman in the leaked clip seems to be saying “Can we hurry this along, please? I’ve got to fit in a FFM piss-orgy AND a private bukkake do by teatime. Also, who should I invoice for this?”.
On the other hand the clip’s quite short, which suggests that it’s the only part of the Rihanna sex tape where you can’t see Chris Brown lumbering up against her like some sort of disgusting horny walrus, which would clearly be quite off-putting to potential viewers.
So maybe the Rihanna sex tape is real, but we won’t count our chickens just yet. Still, at least we’ve always got good old Gene Simmons to keep us ticking over in the meantime, eh?