There Is A God: Spice Girls To Stop Inflicting Their Whining On Us All

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Spice Girls Split Geri HalliwellWe’ll tell you what we want, what we really really want. No, honestly, we’ll tell you want we want, what we really really want. And, it’s not a zigga zig ah – whatever that is.

Instead, it’s to eradicate all the reunion bands of the face of the earth. Because, let's face it, once was bad enough – a second helping of nostalgic pop is definitely too much to handle. We are pleased to say that one such band who reformed have decided to call it a day. Again. You can now safely go around your daily business quite happily knowing that The Spice Girls aren’t going to potentially gig in your city.

That's correct – following news that the Spice Girls are cutting their world tour short because they hate each other, Geri Halliwell has said that they'll never reform again. Ever.

Some people said that The Spice Girls only reunited to only make some money and elevate themselves for other work. Frankly we were appalled when these harsh accusations were dished out. Of course Mel B doesn’t need to prove she’s more than just another mother to baby-machine Eddie Murphy, Victoria Beckham surely doesn’t have to prove she has some sort of talent hidden away somewhere despite being married to D-Beck and living off his wealth and success. On the other hand Geri Halliwell needs to get some normality back in to her life after scarring her child for life with a stupid name. Emma Bunton and Mel C, on the other hand, just really need to remind people that they exist and haven’t buggered off to live on the Isle of Man. 

We would have thought each of the girl’s successful solo pop careers would have seen them running to the bank for years to come. Oh wait, we said 'successful'. Something must have gone tits up along the way. Horrible cover versions, crap attempts at rapping and gormless attempts at complicated dance moves weren’t enough to convince the public to buy into something naff and tacky. 

So last year, after pleas from world leaders, the green light was given for some gigs to go ahead. Of course, the reported millions of pounds each member would get for taking part had nothing to do with it. Definitely not. It was time to bring more watered-down feminism otherwise known as girl power, back to the masses. 

Even a new generation of fans were being roped in to the madness. Pudsey the bear asked the girls to record the song for Children In Need. This they did. Though we wish they hadn’t. Not only was the song utter shite, but the video didn’t have much to do with charity. If charity is your idea of five past-it women with not much clothing on trying to prance around, you have your video. Otherwise, you’d better look somewhere else.  

But now the journey has ended. The Spice Girls hate each other so much that they split up before their tour even ended, and each of the girls was hilariously quick to rush to a newspaper and claim it was all their idea. All except for Geri Halliwell, who decided to show some dignity and not discuss the split with anyone. Ahem:

“This is the last time you will ever get to see this 'Girl Power', the five Spices on the stage as one… If you had asked me 10 years ago whether there'd ever be a Spice Girls reunion concert, I'd have gone, 'No f*cking way!” 

But that was ten years ago, long before each member realised the public would rather die than buy any of their solo stuff.

Read more: 

Spice Girls Over?  – Yahoo

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Comments

  1. says

    And all this time I thought they were on about Zig and Zag from The Big Breakfast and the Zinger burger from KFC. But being “crazy” and shifting some letters around. I need a cold shower.

  2. Rupert says

    Bunton and Mel C could have gone to the Isle of Man. It has a rather large film industry if you didn’t know.

    Ask Jonny Depp, Madonna, Burt Reynolds (who is filming there at the moment), Renee Zellweger, Ewan McGregor, John Malkovich, Woody Harrelson, Kristin Scott Thomas, Lauren Bacall, Bob Hoskins, David Schwimmer, Mickey Rourke, Aishwarya Rai, Patrick Swayze, Stephen Fry, Penelope Cruz, Colin Firth, Christian Slater, MEL B, Kate Beckinsale…….to name a few…..where it is.

    You may want to ask Zac Efron how much he is paying for his flight, this spring, to the island? The island is not what you think.

  3. Krista says

    This is the most unintelligent article I think I’ve ever read. Before you decide to start using your journalism talents, please get your information correct. Besides, why are you wasting your time writing about something you obviously don’t care about anyway? People LOVE reunions, maybe you’re just a mad mad person with anger issues. YIKES.

  4. acidtissue says

    Mel C’s solo career is actually extremely successful, she holds the record for most UK #1 singles.

    Shows what people know when they write articles without research… North America isn’t the only place where people listen to music, you know.

  5. gir says

    I’m just a mad mad person with anger issues. For example, I’m pretty mad that idiots bought the Spice Girls reunion album and gave more money to dumb cunts slinging their tits around screeching about “girl power”.

    All this despite the fact that you can pick up everything they ever recorded (along with a dvd of Spiceworld, if you’re really that masochistic) for less than half the cost in record store bargain bins and pawnshops. Or your local landfill, for those really dedicated to the cause of the Spice Girls.

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