Don’t read The Sun’s Bizarre guide as it takes too long.  Plus they’ve got less flashing ads than us and people love those. 

Direct your eyes south and learn more than enough showbiz tit-tat to stop you getting bullied by anybody still wearing cowboy boots and a mini.

JENNY McCARTHY SAYS NO TO (MORE) BOTOX

Better than saying no to drugs, Jenny McCarthy (DVDs), sexy model and Hollywood plaything, has said no to toxins.

After Botox injections paralysed all her facial muscles directly before a photoshoot, she decided it might not be best to let vanity rule her every waking move. "I’m a girl, I’m insecure. I never took myself as the prissiest, prettiest woman alive. I got my own problems." At least she’s keeping chipper about the whole thing.

DAVID WALLIAMS IS DATING BILLY PIPER

Or he might not be.

We silly scribes at hecklerspray always thought Little Britain’s David Walliams (DVDs) was gay, but then somebody told us he’s a ‘fauxmosexual’ instead. We think that means he gets to dress nice and have sex with women. Maybe even women like walking hairdo Billy Piper (DVDS/CDs)..?

The rumour mill grinds away like Kate Ford’s teeth.

ABI TITMUSS WANTS ANOTHER ORGY

Dirty Abi Titmuss (DVDs), soon to be back on our screens in Celebrity Love Island, wants to have an orgy with Britney Spears (CDs), Jenna Jameson ( DVDs) and, just to ruin the fantasy of every Loaded reader out there, Anthony Kiedis (books). Sounds really likely to happen too.

Watch this space, believers.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE TO HAVE THROAT OPERATION

And now we get serious. Justin Timberlake (CDs ), a dude so cool he travels inside a Thermos freezer bag, has checked in for throat surgery at LA’s famous Cedars Sinai hospital. We’re just surprised it isn’t some knot-tying work on his scrotum, at least then we’d understand how he permanently sings an octave higher than Gwen Stefani (CDs). Timbers obviously now won’t be available to marry Cameron Diaz (DVDs ) this weekend. She’ll have to get a lunch date or something.

MTV MOVIE AWARD NOMINEES ANNOUNCED

If the Oscars are the Pimms of movie awards, MTV’s are definitely more like Coca-Cola; tasty, definitely mainstream, and a lot more fun on a cold day.

If you fancy Lindsey Lohan (and 174,000 results on Google say you do) you’re in for a treat, as there’s a good chance she’ll be there to get an award or ten.

The nominations we could be bothered to list are below (full list click here):

• 
  Best Movie: Napoleon Dynamite (DVDs) The Incredibles (DVDs ), Ray (DVDS), Spider-Man 2 (DVDs) and Kill Bill Vol 2 (DVDs).

• 
  Best Actor: Brad Pitt for Troy (DVDs), Matt Damon for The Bourne Supremacy (DVDs), Will Smith for Hitch (DVDS) and Leonardo DiCaprio for The Aviator (DVDs) and Jamie Foxx for Ray (DVDs).

• 
  Best Actress: Lindsey Lohan for Mean Girls ( DVDs), Hilary Swank for Million Dollar Baby (DVDs ), Natalie Portman for Garden State (DVDs ), Rachel McAdams for The Notebook (DVDs) and Uma Thurman for Kill Bill Vol 2 (DVDs).

• 
  Best Comedic Performance: Will Ferrell for Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (DVDs), Antonio Banderas for Shrek 2 (DVDs), Dustin Hoffman for Meet the Fockers (DVDS), Will Smith for Hitch (DVDs) and Ben Stiller for Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (DVDs).

Is it us or don’t some of those movies feel really old now?

The MTV Awards are on June 4th. Watch them if you must, they’re not sponsoring us or anything so we don’t really care. Try clicking our Kelkoo links though, they’re fab!

HEIDI KLUM IS A HOT MUM

Supermodel Heidi Klum has been voted the number one Hottest Mum in Showbusiness by that pioneering entertainment resource Screensavers.com.

Marge Simpson ( DVDs), who is a cartoon character remember, managed to wrangle her way into position number six. And if any further proof were needed that Screensavers’ publicity hungry poll was as pointless as a pistol with no trigger, barrel or bullets, Britney Spears was voted in at number four. That’s a cartoon and chav with no other children in the top ten.

Makes the MTV awards seem worthwhile.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR IS IN GOOD SHAPE

The Sun reports that genius actor (Depp, you’re lucky this guy’s off his head most of the time) Robert Downey Jr (DVDs) is in great shape. By that they mean he’s thin. Can’t say we’re bowled over by that little revelation, all former drug addicts look skinny don’t they?

USHER USED TO BE A NAUGHTY PERV

Usher ( CDs) is a real pain in the bottom. He spent his schoolboy years looking up girls’ skirts and nobody says anything. We get one CCTV camera installed in the ladies toilets and those ‘bureaucrats’ at Human Rights are all over us.

"Don’t let that little smile fool you: Whatever you told him not to do, that’s exactly what he did. He always had a very strong personality."

That’s Usher’s mum talking. She makes him sound as cute as a Labrador puppy being taken for walk by his Care Bear foster family.

"Being a single parent, I’ve been the mother and the father. People would say, ‘Usher’s a mommy’s boy’, and he would say, ‘You should really meet my mom. She’s really cool’."

She really did say he looks up girls’ skirts too, but we can’t seem to find a quote for that. We can tell you that young Usher has been ‘romantically linked’ to stroppy new face of Tesco Naomi Campbell. She’s got legs like a prize pony.

There, credibility regained.

CARMEN ELECTRA FOR SALE

Carmen Electra (DVDs) is auctioning a date with her good self on Ebay for charity. We’ve already covered the story here because we’re go-getters on too much herbal tea.

Just one extra thing to note is that all proceeds of the auction will go to The National Prostate Cancer Coalition. Not that other charities are not important, but nobody out there is going to listen to Robbie Williams giving them advice about checking their nads. Carmen Electra though, she could chat all night about how your balls might need lopping off and you’ll be paying more attention than a Mayfair traffic warden.

This is especially true if you’re a man.

SHREK 3 PLOT LOWDOWN

Jeffrey Katzenberg, head of all things animation at Dreamworks, has given the plot of the third Shrek movie away. It’s not likely he was drunk, but as he’s a very powerful man it is likely we all are.

So here we go, in Jeffrey’s own words…

• "When Shrek 3 opens, Shrek and Fiona are having to take on the duties of being the active king and queen of Far, Far Away.”

• "They’re not very comfortable in these roles, so the King says to them: ‘If you can find the heir to the throne and bring him back, the Kingdom will be in good hands, then you can return to swamp and live your lives.”

• "Which is what they want to do.”

• "Shrek, Donkey and Puss go to the far side of the Kingdom of Far, Far Away where
  young ‘Artie’, who is the nephew of Queen Lilian, is about to graduate school. Artie turns out to be young King Arthur and Shrek and Donkey and Puss have to convince this extremely rebellious young man, who’s being voiced by Justin Timberlake, to come back and assume the throne.”

• "Along the way, Shrek invents the Round Table, chivalry. Donkey is the Lady in the Lake with the sword. You get it?”

We got the bit about Justin Timberlake.

• "Meanwhile, back at the Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Prince Charming decides that it’s time for a coup d’etat. ‘The cat’s away. He will play.‘

• “So Fiona organises all of the princesses into the underground Resistance movement, who are trying to hold things together until Shrek, Donkey, Puss and young King Arthur return."

Don’t blame us if it all sounds a bit babbled, after all he’s a studio executive not a screenwriter. The movie’s out in 2007 so you’ll understand it better then. It’s only two years away so you best make a note.

GOLDIE HAWN STINKS OF SEX

We’ve nothing against old people rumpy, though we can hapilly live without any quotes about it being banded about willy-nilly. There are plenty more ‘membership friendly’ websites dealing with that kind of thing. At least that’s what we’ve been told.

“I really dress up sometimes; it doesn’t have to be sexy.” Remarked Goldie Hawn (DVDs), now fifty-nine, still married to Kurt Russell and off her flipping rocker.

Kurt Russell (DVDs) is not the world’s luckiest guy. It’s bad enough that a decent movie like Dark Blue can’t get his movie career back on a paying basis, but when his wife starts talking like this in public…

“I smell good when I go to bed. He loves the way I smell.”

…it’s time to buy some zip up bootie slippers and a tartan rug. Retirement baby, it’s God calling you. 

“I see him as much as I can and I also clean up for bed.”

We’re as pleased as Kurt to hear his wife gets washed before going to bed. Personal hygiene is important, particularly in the latter years.

Even a story like this does little to dampen Goldie’s once firmly ingrained sex appeal. Thank heavens for those Foul Play repeats the BBC keep sticking on every few months, she was a cute as button in that. Come to think of it that Chevy Chase was bit of a looker then too…

Okay, time to wrap it up wethinks.

You’ve caught up with some succulent celebrity nibbles, hopefully not had indigestion for the past ten minutes or so, and you’ve still got time to refresh your emails one last time.

Live like a rebel. Click here for the best in showbiz shrapnel, all day every day.

[story by Chris Laverty]