If you’re going insert a foreign body into yourself, surely you wouldn’t want to use something that can only be associated with visceral terror, right?

Wrong, apparently.

As a response to my heartfelt criticism of Twilight, someone sent me this link to what appears to be a dildo based on what Edward’s junk might look like. It’s after the jump, so proceed with caution…

The site describes it as ”….a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire’s design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the moon’s soft glow.”

Like the abstinent sparkle prince, himself, the dildo is shimmery and can also be kept in the fridge for a more authentic experience. They’ve literally thought of everything, I guess. How lovely. I for one, can definitely envisage a scenario in which a mentally balanced person, who does not live alone with five cats, does not write Harry Potter Slash fiction and does not have an OKCupid page in which she lists her religion as ‘Wiccan’ purchasing this item. Certainly.

But it’s not just Twilight, though. Another friend sent me a link to a site called Bad Dragon which he described as ‘nightmarish’. He was not far wrong.

Have you ever wanted to pretend you were having sex with an anthropomorphic dragon? No? Congratulations on not being completely and utterly batshit insane. I literally buried my face in my hands when I saw the website. We should all repent while there’s still time. Surely a cleansing hellfire can’t be far off if these monstrosities are in production. Dragon dildos are a sign of the end times.

Their forums are full of happy reviewers who just can’t get enough of these perfectly nauseating cries for help. A quote from user ‘Rayneuki’ that I feel probably sums up the average customer ‘‘….And my cat had jumped onto the bed to sniff the strange penis that was now placed on my heaving chest.” Fantastic.

Or what better way to honour the president of the United States Of America than by masturbating with a plastic sex toy moulded in the shape of his face? ”For those too lazy to defecate on a picture of his family”.

Then there’s the ‘alien dildo‘. The about section does not answer the question I asked and that question is simply ‘why?’. Serious question. If you are the creator of alien dildos, I would love for you to answer this question so I can go on living my life.

I just added this Mantrix dildo because its the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. The male model was obviously wearing glasses so the photographer wouldn’t see how hard he was crying. Jesus Christ. I wonder if anyone ever thinks their movie related dildo is really dated.

Thanks for reading my guest blog about dildos. I feel like I probably should have mentioned it was NSFW.

This filth was down to Amy Green from Interpol Groupies Wear Black. Blame her.

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