Christmas is a time for the children, and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have more children than anyone else; but Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's kids are from all over the bloody world – that's going to cause all kinds of problems on Christmas day, right?
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie now have a Cambodian child, an Ethiopian child and an American child, so how are they supposed to celebrate Christmas without offending the indigenous cultures that Brad and Angelina tore their two adopted non-Shiloh kids out of? Luckily Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have come up with a cunning plan to counter this – they're having three different, culture-respecting Christmases, probably combined with three long justifications explaining that actually it is fair that Shiloh Nouvel got a limited-edition Xbox 360 while Maddox had to make do with one small bottle of scented water given to him in April for Songkran, because of religion and culture and that.
However easy it's been to knock Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie this year – mainly for the way that the shooting of their humanitarian movie about the importance of a free press in India turned into a mess of racial slurs, assaulted photographers and injured children – but we still get the impression that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie mean well.
Although a bunch of Namibians called Brad and Angelina "colonial overlords" for taking over their country just so they could have a baby in peace, they did return the favour with a large cash donation to the country's state hospitals. And Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie always try hard to do best by the underdog, whether it's by starting charities to help the poor or refusing to get married until every homosexual in the world has a ring on his finger. And this tortured well-meaningness stretches to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's children, too.
You'll remember that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have three children – Cambodian Maddox, famous for annoying Graham Norton; Ethiopian Zahara and world-famous fashion model Shiloh Nouvel. Having children of three different cultures would normally make Christmas a royal pain in the arse, since only Shiloh Nouvel comes from a predominately Christian country, but Angelina Jolie has worked out a clever plan to keep everyone happy – each kid gets a Christmas each:
"Zahara's Christmas is January 8. With Maddox, it is the water festivals in Buddhism. We're getting into all that with them."
Now we're guessing that Angelina Jolie means that they'll be celebrating Ledet for Zahara, where the end of a 43-day fast is marked with a colourful three-hour procession that lasts from 6am to 9am followed by a feast of chicken and lamb, which sounds fun; and Shiloh Nouvel will get the traditional Christmas of big meals, huge toys and an afternoon spent watching Eastenders, drinking gin and feeling miserable, which also sounds fun.
So spare a thought for poor Maddox, then, who has to wait until Songkran in April, where he'll carry a fish around in a jar for a day just because he spent a few months in one country before Angelina Jolie took him to another country to live.
Still, so long as Brad Pitt doesn't make things worse by coming down the chimney dressed as the scholar and monk Moggaliputta-Tissa. That'd really be rubbing his sodding nose in it.
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Adam says
Shame they’re not celebrating Kwanzaa – I hear Angelina enjoys blacking up
Tammy says
It’s a good thing that they are trying to honour each child’s culture, but lets get real here, who really cares? All we care about is the fact that they are two
complete idiots who are only in this to somehow impress the general public that they should be respected. What? Exactly. We all know what a T Angelina
is and we all know that karma has a way of making its way around again. So we wait. I find it sad that Jennifer announces officially that she and Vince are no longer a couple and then out of nowhere, Angelina develops verbal diarrea and just admits that she “couldn’t wait to get to work”. And why? Because she couldn’t wait to get there to work on the seduction of a married man on set…a place of trust for actors. I feel sorry for these kids. This situation is just sick. It’s so obvious!!