Definitely one of the fattest entertainment weeks of the year so far, even if you didn’t get an invite to buy discounted UB40 (CD) tickets in your email inbox.

Didn’t catch any of it? Still wonder why Tom Cruise (DVD) is holding that nice Dawson girl’s hand? (It isn’t because she’s lost we can tell you that much). No clue as to why Sean Connery’s (DVD) still insisting he’s James Bond despite the onset of rigor mortis? Jabbering Frog singles a welcome mystery to you?

Not for long, people with lives, not for long…

Back to the Future is The Best

Good stuff this first one. Researchers at the University of London, probably funded by grants from the much-burdened taxpayer, have decreed some fascinating news.

According to their studies and a survey of over 3000 Sky Movies viewers, Back to the Future (DVD) is the UK’s favourite all time film. This is closely followed by the fantabulous The Goonies (DVD) and, er, Home Alone (DVD).

Two out of three’s not bad though. “At the end of Back To The Future the good guy gets the girl and the bad guy’s future changes from local bully to local car washer.” commented one of the uni boffins. Nope, that’s not why we like it all, but we’re pleased it’s at number one all the same. Mind you where was Teenwolf (DVD) and Short Circuit (DVD)? All that education and they can’t see what’s in front of their eyes.

Debra Messing is a Stripper

Not a word of a lie, Will and Grace (DVD) star Debra Messing (DVD) will be taking her clothes off and dancing round a pole. The sexy, stunning, sumptuous redhead will be naked and sweating and – oh, we’ve got carried away, haven’t we?

Basically Debs got fat after her baby and now she wants to train as a stripper to lose all the weight. Makes the Atkins Diet (Book) all sound a bit last year.

Coldplay Take a Nap in the U.S. Top Ten

Our next Simon and Garthfunkel (plus a couple of other guys playing instruments and stuff) are big in America. Jack Nicholson’s (DVD) a fan and so is Robert Downey Jr (DVD/CD). Such endorsements have helped Coldplay (CD) trot happily into the U.S. Top Ten with their new single Speed of Sound (CD), taking refuge in the number eight spot. In, but only just.

Coldplay are the first British band to have single debuting in the American charts since the similarly overrated Beatles (CD) way back in 1963. We’re going out for a bite now while you pelt us with angry tomato shaped complaints about how wrong we are. Just remember that it’s The Beatles or The Stones (CD). You can’t like them both because that’s not allowed. You can remember to lighten up a bit too while you’re about it.

Julia’s on the Cover But She Didn’t Win a Thing

People Magazine, for those that have the good taste to read a Chinese takeaway menu instead, is America’s big celebrity glossy. Full of colourful photos printed on flimsy paper, it’s only really good for parking next to you toilet seat. However some people seem to think People’s opinions matter, so we’re reporting that the magazine this week announced its ‘50 Most Beautiful People’ list.

Remember it’s not FHM, so you’ll not see Jennifer Ellison (CD) or Michelle Ryan (VHS) in any close proximity. Instead emergency lifecraft lips Angelina Jolie (DVD) was given the crown. Brad Pitt (DVD) was her king, for he is more beautiful than God – and everyone loves a happy couple. Halle Berry (DVD) and Jennifer Lopez (DVD) brought up the rear, in J-Lo’s case more prominently than most.

Julia Roberts (DVD) got the cover shot as a kind of consolation prize. Certainly better than a sterling silver cheque book and pen, but not a patch on a Bully. "She is satisfied and content. All of that shows." the magazine said of loser Roberts.

Excuse us, but that’s just poppycock. Marilyn Monroe (Book/DVD) was stunning and she spent half her life popping pick-me-ups and diet pills. Really beautiful people are rarely content or happy. How chuffed would you be if you had to skip breakfast, lunch and dinner in exchnage for twenty cigarettes and a gin and tonic every day? Exactly, not very.

A moment of sympathy for Nicole Kidman (DVD), Uma Thurman (DVD) and George Clooney (DVD), they didn’t even make the list. You see Nicole, who said it was little Tom that was holding you back?

Katie Holmes is, or rather was, a Virgin

We’ve already got the main facts and figures of this story printed elsewhere on the site (click here), but here we go with a quick summary:

Tom Cruise is 42, Katie Holmes (DVD) is 26. They’ve been dating for a couple of weeks, he was previously involved with model Sofia Vergara, and she was engaged to another actor Chris Klein (DVD). Holmes says she’s a virgin, though as her and Cruise spent much of last week locked in an Italian hotel room this is becoming increasingly hard to swallow. They are the new ‘golden couple’ of Hollywood and Tom Cruise is a very, very lucky guy.

Unless we actually got all that wrong and he’s the virgin. Come to think of it, those kids aren’t even his own…

Crazy Frog Single (x2)

Can you just tell us one person you know who has bought any of these brain combusting Crazy Frog ringtones? Just one? If you can than you’re friends with a complete cretin and consider our question to be fair warning. If not, read on and cry like a baby with nappy rash.

Two singles featuring the little green piece of pond scum are about to be released within weeks of each other. The first features the Crazy Frog ‘sound’ mixed with eighties grooze classic Axel F. That’s right, the cool tune from the Beverly Hills Cop movies (DVD) is going to be chopped up, speeded up and murdered savagely.

The second single is threateningly entitled Pondlife: Ring Ding Ding. Heaven drop on our heads if that’s going to sound anything like its title. With any luck an environmental disaster will wipe us all out before these pus-mutated creations ever hit the shelves. Prey hard for our salvation.

Neve Campbell Says British Women Are Fat

She actually used the old chestnut ‘fuller figured’, though we all know what she meant. And she’s wrong too. British women come in all sorts of wonderful shapes and sizes. American women (outside of La-La Land) come only in Extra Large and Jumbo.

“I have a boyfriend there, he’s English and I love it there, I really do.” Neve Campbell (DVD) told a happy to listen U.S. TV show. “Very multicultural and you can walk around.” Insightful stuff about the state of our pathways and immigration policies. Though she did officially move here eight months ago so we’ll give the benefit of being able to have a voice. J

ust as long as she remembers all this when it rains so much her new house uproots and floats down the Old Kent Road. Neve’s actually Canadian by birth. We just thought you should know.

Will Young Gives Up Fags

No, we mean cigarettes. He’s stopped smoking and who in their right mind gives a damn? “I’ve given up and I really want to quit for good this time.” He does then, obviously.

Brooke Shields is Pretty Good in Chicago.

Roxie Hart, the nasty little fame-munching murderess in hit show Chicago (DVD) was last played on stage by Jill Halfpenny. Jill’s now too busy entering dance shows she’s way too overqualified for so Brooke Shields (DVD) has taken over the role instead. She’s a real American and everything.

Despite being two days late to debut (not a time to cram your lines) she was an instant hit, making the audience cheer and clap at the end just like they’re supposed to. It’s refreshing to note that at thirty-nine Brooke’s not able to just skip through her career’s second wind on looks and teeth alone. After two hours of performing on stage she even managed to perform a cartwheel. Wow, some normal people even struggle to do that. Go girl!

Connery is James Bond: Licence to Take as Many Free Buses as he Likes in Zones 4,5,6,7,8

He’s voicing a new computer game for X-Box, Playstation and Nintendo consoles. We’ve got more on this story elsewhere on the site (have a quick scoot round, you’ll find it).

“As an artist, I see this as another way to explore the creative process.” commented former live-action Bond Sean Connery. This may explain why he’s lent his ‘likeness’ to the game too. Smart of him to let the technology move on a few years after Goldeneye (DVD) on the N64. The last time a head was that square it was moving furniture in a Dire Straits (CD) video.

Geri Halliwell Still Gets to Sing

The title says it all. Former Spice Girl (CD) and full time weight metamorphoser Geri Halliwell (CD) has not been dropped by her record label Innocent. “The rumours circulating are totally unfounded.” It’s your funeral Innocent. You only need to check out Mel C’s (CD) raggedy old week to see the writing’s on the wall. Perhaps a Spicey reunion could save them both from career oblivion? Better do it before the varicose veins start to show.

David Beckham is Gay

In truth he’s more than just happy, he’s ecstatic about all the health and beauty tips he’s picked up from wife Victoria (CD). “She looks after herself very well, so I’ve learned a lot.” Now that’s a man who’s chipper. Sir Alan Sugar (Book) could learn a thing or two from David’s attitude. Though we can’t really be sure Alan’s ever waxed anything more than his Barbour jacket.

That’s everything The Sun’s Bizarre column had to offer as of a few hours ago. Of course they have a team of five thousand highly paid journalists all working round the clock on ‘the next big thing’ so all this’ll be old news quicker than showbiz divorce. Sorry about that kids.

At least you know enough to leave the house now.

Entertainment ignorance is a crime. Protect yourself accordingly.

[story by Chris Laverty]