The Sun’s Bizarre Column – At a Glance!

Phew, a busy old week this one. Lots of stuff happening to stupid people with money and fame the likes of which’ll never been seen by anyone outside of rehab.

Take the wonderfully exposed Keira Knightley (DVD) and her pump action nipples out house hunting on Wednesday. We certainly can’t deny the draping qualities of fine merino wool, or indeed the chill of a cold April morning. But her squeaky posh voice still gets on our wick.

What about poor malfunctioning Gazza (Book)? Flicking his self-destruct switch while scooping a literary award that would have to be rigged for it to be worth anything.

And who could have missed seething Courtney Cox (DVD)? She was none too happy about pics of her baby’s christening being widely circulated on an email apparently, and we say again apparently, sent out by one Jennifer Aniston (DVD)?

But in case you missed any or all of this tosh we present our own hecklerspray guide to The Sun’s irrepressible Bizarre column.

So handy it’ll fit in your pocket!*

JAMELIA IS SURPRISED TO BE PREGNANT

A bit odd this one. If she’s had sex and didn’t use birth control we’d have thought the result would be obvious. “The baby wasn’t planned but it was a very welcome surprise." commented Jamelia (CD) earlier this week. That’s us back in our place then.

HITCHHIKER MOVIE HAS WORLD PREMIERE

Bill Nighy (DVD), Sam Rockwell (DVD) and Martin Freeman (DVD) rolled into London’s Leicester Square for the premiere of The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Pity that author Douglas Adams (Book) shuffled off his mortal space hopper back in 2001 as word on the street is that this movie’s definitely worth a chuckle or two. And who are we to argue? Being as we haven’t seen it yet, we can’t really.

EVA LONGORIA DOESN’T WEAR UNDERWEAR

She’s in Desperate Housewives (DVD), she’s not yet famous enough for her name to spark any instant recognition, and she doesn’t take her underwear home from work. "All of America has seen it.” Eva Longoria(DVD) told Esquire magazine, evidently forgetting that the rest of the world also has television. “I don’t want a guy to think I’m cheap and just recycling." Clearly a woman with spare saliva to use up.

HIGH STREET HONEY GETS BAFFLING AMOUNT OF COLUMN INCHES

Maybe you can fill us in as to exactly who this top heavy, fake tanned, GHD’d within an inch of her life wannabe is because, honestly, we don’t have a clue. Most of the gentlefolk at hecklerspray stopped reading FHM when they turned old enough to buy real porn (not that they do, because that’s very bad). The Sun reports with glee that model Shereen (one name says it all) arrived at FHM’s Sexiest Woman of the Year Awards wearing a top that left very little to the imagination. Basically, you could see her knockers. Click here if you’ve just gotta take a look-see.

GAIL PORTER HAS A NIGHT OUT

This is more like it, someone we actually know (who else out there misses ‘How 2’?). Not that Gail’s doing much worth writing about. Unless you consider having a couple of drinks with friends, NOT getting drunk and falling over, NOT hitting any photographers and NOT getting a parking ticket to be news? What a dull woman.

HOLLYWOOD BOTTOM AWARD: GRAND FINAL

Back to bawdy it is then. Jennifer Lopez (DVD) scooped the above award from, take a deep breath, Oxygen Magazine. She beat Beyonce (CD) and Angelina Jolie (DVD) to the top botty slot, a prize so prestigious in its offering even career flatlined Vin Diesel (DVD) was shoehorned into the running. He came third for the boys, trailing meekly behind winner Brad Pitt (DVD), with only six percent of the overall votes. A shocking turnout for a man whose arse is so versatile he actually manages to talk out of it all day long.

PARIS AND NICOLE DON’T GET ON

We’ve covered this particular story in far too much detail already. Click here for the skinny. For an abridged summary see below:

1. 
   Paris and Nicole (DVD) are no longer best buddies.
2. The Simple Life might now be made with Paris and Rod Stewart’s (CD) daughter Kimberly.
3. Nicole, according to Paris “knows what she did”.
4. We’re slowly losing the will to live.

In a touch of irony Paris added "It wouldn’t be fair to fans if we pretended to be best pals.” Presumptuous of young Paris to assume we ever watched The Simple Life because we were ‘fans’ of her and Nicole. There’s much more fun to be had trying to guess if the guy doing the voiceover also did the Stagg Chilli adverts. He didn’t.

RACHEL STEVENS DOES McMANUS

In our weekly ‘feel slightly sorry for someone famous’ slot we’re focusing on Rachel Stevens (CD). No, we not going to argue she has any musical talent whatsoever, but we can’t concede that anyone deserves to perform songs that were originally written for beached puffa shark Michele McManus (CD).

At least Stevens makes an effort to ensure she doesn’t need two seats on the bus. The Sun is claiming that McManus’ as yet un-produced dittie ‘Je M’appelle Michelle’ is now going to be passed onto Rachel Stevens to sing. Obviously a subtle change will make it ‘Je M’appelle Rachel’, though that won’t change the fact that it’s a dodgy cast off.

From a fish nonetheless. If there is one good thing to say about Rachel Stevens’ music it’s that sounds a bit eighties. Which we have to admit is like saying poison is good because it comes in a bottle with a screw top.

That’s your lot for this week. You’re once again ready to face the world with enough knowledge of celebrity pork scratchings to get you comfortably through another weekend of excessive drinking and empty merriment.

Remember, you don’t have to go to work Monday. Not if you don’t want to get paid.

* Not a chance

[story by Chris Laverty]