The Sun’s Bizarre Column – at a Glance!

Busy like Charlotte Church at a Brannigans 2 for 1? More on your plate than Tony Blair after a week of sharing Gordon Brown’s packed lunch? Too much to do, too little time to do it? You’re working like Colleen McLoughlin on forty grands worth of self-staged photo shoot.

You’ve got no time to do the important things like breathing, those pesky insulin shots or reading The Sun’s Bizarre column?

Boy, is it your lucky day!

Check out our hecklerspray rundown of just about every showbiz titbit that’s passed water at the UK’s most thumbed red top for at least, oh, three hours. That’s right three hours! 

JESSICA ALBA ENGAGED

We don’t really know who this woman is but Eminem mentioned her in a song once. She goes out with a guy called Cash Warren. But that doesn’t sound like his real name to us. Watch out Jess, he’s not an airline pilot! He works at Subway cleaning the counter tops! She’s not getting engaged though. She put her ring on the other finger after flying. It gets swollen or something. Hang on, she’s an actress, isn’t she? Phew, we almost looked well stupid there.

BRITNEY IS EXCITED

Young Brtiney, a girl with more class than a KFC wedding reception, is happy. She likes her husband Kevin Federline’s photos, sorry ‘sexy snaps’, published recently in some magazine. That’s it. Anyone see The Two Ronnies on Friday?

ANOTHER BRIT DOES NICE STUFF FOR THE TROOPS

Birttany Murphy. Right, we know this girl for sure. She was in the film 8 Mile, then that one, the other one, and lots of other things too. Now she’s busy having photos taken by Maxim magazine on the proviso that the editor sends forty thousand (what is that, figure of the week?) free copies to U.S. troops stationed in Iraq. "Taking that picture was the least that I could possibly do." Murphy told the New York Daily News. Only one then? Maxim’ll save a bundle on postage.

BROOKE SHIELDS STILL LOVES ANDRE

Movies, a hit afternoon sitcom, endless magazine shoots – is there anything this woman can’t leave behind? Soon to be appearing on stage in Chicago, Brooke Sheilds has hinted that she still loves Andre. Nope, not that movie with the fat kid in it, the other guy, the one they call Agassi. He played a bit of tennis once. "He was the first person who gracefully helped me to individualise.” she said recently. Wow, all us characters at hecklerspray have considered proposing on less than that.

LIAM LOSES WEIGHT

Think Jonathan Ross is obsessed with asking people about their weight (or sexuality) on his tired-like-Charles Kennedy Friday night show? He is, and so is The Sun. They’re reporting last century’s indie mainstay Liam Gallagher has lost more than a stone after seeing a photograph of himself looking fat. How? He’s switched from beer to vodka. The new V-Plan fight-a-lot diet - not recommended by Dr. Hilary Jones.

ROBBIE STOPS FIGHTING WITH GUY

Sweet. Pop muppet Robbie Williams has made up with his singer-songwriter bum chum Guy Chambers. They’re not homosexuals though.

BRITNEY IS BUYING PROPERTY

Britney Spears and husband are going to buy a bungalow in Las Vegas. Fitting, as just about everyone in that place is over seventy-five these days. Keeping with the OAP theme their neighbour will be eighties pop plantation Billy Idol. We thought he was cryogenically frozen in 1997, but that’s our sources for you. Britney’s baby was apparently conceived in Vegas too. We hoping ‘Dune Spears’ as a possible name for junior. Would guarantee the nipper a part in whatever Star Wars rip off turns up next year anyway.

CHARLOTTE HAS A CHALLENGE AHEAD

Charlotte, Charlotte, Charlotte, where would our daily bread be without you? What’s that, you have a story for us? You’re going to re-launch your pop career this summer without boyfriend Gavin Henson? He’s going to New Zealand to play rugby. And you’re not splitting up.

Thanks Charlotte. We love you.

So, that’s it, eight stories that’ll be out of date quicker than a New Look poncho. You’ve done your bit though. You’re socially armed and dangerous for a night of pushing broken alcopop bottles into strangers’ facial tissue and yelling at policemen.

[story by Chris Laverty]