If hecklerspray were to say ‘reality TV’, what would you think?

Perhaps your mind would immediately vomit forth images of Celebrity Big Brother ‘winner’ Chantelle Houghton – a woman so fascinatingly stupid that the only thing she’d need to take into a nuclear bunker for entertainment would be a colouring book.

Or maybe you’d conjure all sorts of Gordon Ramsay-shaped thoughts – picturing him storming around in his overpriced kitchen, face crumpled into a scowl beneath his silly 1980s-lesbian haircut. Or you may find yourself thinking about whoever won I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here this year. We can’t remember who that was, and we’re frankly not too sure that whoever it was can either.

Yet occasionally something good drips through. Like the upcoming second series of Alan Sugar‘s The Apprentice.

Brilliantly expanded on the tracks laid down by embarrassment-fest Dragons Den - we get to humiliate the participants over twelve weeks rather than three minutes! – the British version of The Apprentice is superior to its American counterpart for a number of reasons…

Number one – Alan Sugar (Stuff) actually seems like a reasonable bloke. Unlike Donald Trump, who probably just stares at whoever he’s arguing with and imagines the school bully there instead, all the while thinking "ha, ha, school bully, who’s laughing now, you Wal-Mart-working mouthbreathing shithead?" Probably.

Number two – Unlike the po-faced American contestants – who pull all sorts of baffling ‘powerful’ faces over the opening credits – the British selection all faithfully stick to their country’s tradition by… well… being a little bit crap.

Number three - hecklerspray lives in England, and therefore only gets to see the British version anyway. Unless we stay up way past our bedtime, and mummy generally doesn’t allow that.

But why - why, you frenziedly scream – are we telling you all this?

Because, dear friends, details have just been released concerning the nature of this years contestants. And what an oddball bunch of Sugar-pleasing lackeys they seem:

The seven men and seven women include Ansell Henry, 34, a former
Millwall FC player. Meanwhile, fellow series two contestant Michelle
Dewberry, 26, left school at 16 and was a check-out girl before working
her way up to become a telecoms consultant.

IT consultant Ben Stanberry, 33, has battled cancer, but
refuses to feel sorry for himself. He has also confessed to disliking
Sir Alan. Alexa Tilley, 28, already has a TV star in the family – the
management consultant is the cousin of Little Britain’s Matt Lucas.

The other contestants include a lawyer, a Ferrari-driving
Vietnamese refugee, a former holiday rep and a one-time restaurant
manager for Marco Pierre White. Every candidate has displayed a steely
determination to succeed.

With more than one of the go-getters describing themselves as "highly opinionated" – i.e. a twat – hecklerspray suggests that you cancel all social engagements and mark the 22 Feb broadcast date firmly in your diaries.

Not that we have to bother doing that, of course. Luckily, we never venture out of the house anyway!

Yay!

Read More:

Candidates Line Up For Apprentice - Yahoo!

[story by C J Davies]