Guest blog! Amy Grindhouse!

Jennifer Aniston found an ingenious reason to break up with John Mayer. Rather than just dump him for being boring, the actress dumped her partner of just over one year because he had a Twitter addiction.

Yep. Since he is such a horrid musician and not quite as wealthy as some of his Hollywood peers, John had to settle for free micro-blogging service Twitter, rather than just indulge in online ‘adult entertainment’ like any other guy.

As she was quite disgusted that her partner had spent more time online tweeting with strangers than hanging out with her, Jennifer brought the world’s most unconvincing love affair to an abrupt end.

This was a thoroughly perplexing relationship. The pair had about as much chemistry together as any two of the Gossip Girl cast have when they get lumped together on-screen. Seriously, they probably did themselves a favour getting out of the loveless, presumably sexless and frankly dull relationship.

The only signifier that the pair were in a real relationship was that one could have gone grey and died of boredom chronicling their exploits. Real relationships are a snore. The most exciting thing they did together was dress in outfits that clashed, the one time they hit the red carpet together at the Oscars. All other signs pointed to what is commonly know by others with a poor grasp of grammar is a ‘fauxmance’ (as in fake romance).

The only time John was let out of the dungeon and allowed to be in the company of Jennifer for more than 20 seconds was when she had a film to promote. He therefore understandably found himself with copious amounts of time on his hands. Rather than man up and cheat on Jennifer like rumour mongers had accused him of anyway, John took solace in the loving arms of an online social network.

They presumably did not curl up into bed together, but the burgeoning relationship between John Mayer and his Twitter page was more potent and frankly more interesting than he ever managed to conjure in any relationship before.

John is certainly one of the more prolific celebrities present on Twitter. He writes updates every few minutes at times and shares everything from details of upcoming duets to the fact that one time he sat down funny and a particular private part of his anatomy fell asleep.

Being a bit late to the party, Jennifer discovered that Twitter was her ex’s new love and so she admitted defeat and accepted her fate as the world’s hottest spinster.

Reports of the feud should be taken with a pinch of salt as they conflict with initial reports that he left her and the news comes from fabulous trashy Star magazine. Star say that John pretending he was too busy to call and then spending hours per day online were the straw that broke the camel’s back:

“Every few hours, sometimes minutes, he’d update with some stupid line. And in her mind, she was like: ‘He has time for all this Twittering, but he can’t send me a text, an email, make a call?’ So she called him and ended it,” a source says.

This was a guest blog by Amy Grindhouse, who is wonderful.

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