For the majority of people reading this, you won’t remember who Elvis was. He wasn’t a performer who was brought up through a tough neighbourhood and had to pimp his own sister out money. Neither was he the man who formed a band with three other members from the Elvis area of London in order to perform hip hop.
Instead, he was an overweight musician who scoffed down burgers, hotdogs, fizzy drinks and doughnuts like they were going out of fashion. He was once a glorious singer who pumped out hits like Heartbreak Hotel. But in later life he failed miserable and forcefully squished out shits whilst munching on food, something which later resulted in death.
Hardcore enthusiasts pay visit to Elvis’s Graceland mansion to pay visit to the toilet he died on every year in order to get a whiff of faeces and death. But not it gets better; you can pretend to be the doctor who extracted his heart from the lardy exterior!
Elvis told us that he couldn’t stop falling in love. Originally it was us and at first a little flutter went through our hearts, kind of like when you see a fly escape the sticky trap of a spider’s web. But then Elvis seem to resort to food and use it as company. Whilst we don’t know if he constructed real life people out of cream cakes or sausage rolls, the once king of pop had lost his way. The title was then passed on to the Mr. Potato Head of musicians – Michael Jackson.
No matter if you think Elvis couldn’t improve the crapness of the genre he sang in, you do have to salute him for the way he died. Forget wanking yourself to death in a hotel room or accidentally taking an overdose of a prescription medication. This man died on the throne – all whilst eating more food that would later make him visit the thinking man’s stool again.
Sold through Paul Fraser Collectables which to us sounds like a ropey House Of Frasier, the following items are available for you to buy:
“Items being sold in the sale include Elvis’s toe tag – marked “John Doe,” after the original was stolen by a fan at the hospital – the instruments used in the post mortem, the preparation room case report and case sheet, dry cleaning tags, Elvis’s suit and tie, and a coffin shipping invoice.”
And if you want the goods, well they can be yours for a pitiful $14,000. If you win the auction you can then dress up as Elvis and visit local co-op funeral parlour homes to literally get the experience of having an Elvis based funeral. You could even bust all the greatest hits out of the singer, including that song that was used to promote dog food and the one we can’t remember at the moment.
Once we die, please feel free to bid on our distinguished collection of pornography that showcases the rise of lesbianism in Norway between 1988 and 1997.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter
