It’s fair to say that if you’re gay, Protestant or a follower of any other religion apart from Christianity, then The Pope will blow raspberries at you.

It’s the job of The Pope – otherwise known as God’s right hand man – to tell us we’re all living in deep sin and will burn in hell.

Apart from pestering people to not wear condoms, The Pope doesn’t really have much in common with young people. You won’t see him in line at the kebab shop after dancing away at a seven hour rave. However, you could see him holding up the lines at the local cinema as queues to see the latest Harry Potter flick.

We imagine that it’s quite difficult for The Pope to get out during the daytime. With an army of followers who are actually real and not just porn spam on Twitter, he’d be recognised everywhere he went, making it impossible for him to nip down the off license for a crate of Peroni and packet of pork scratchings. He’ll have angel-like minders to get things for him, but where’s the fun in that?

Confined to the inner walls of The Vatican where he does nothing but read the Bible and build crosses out of balsa wood, we imagine The Pope is bound to get a little bit bored. But any of his extracurricular activities would need to be at least semi-related to Christianity. So no Babestation for The Pope.

If we were The Pope, we’d start to write a rival religious text, adding subtle differences such as giving Jesus chainsaws for arms and Moses the ability to breathe fire. It would instantly bring a wave of new followers to Christianity.

Sadly, The Pope turned to Harry bloody Potter instead. As we all know, the Harry Potter series has been a worldwide success for JK Rowling. After destroying a small forest in order to print the millions of copies of books, there are now also lunchboxes, pencil cases and other pointless pieces of tat covered in Harry Potter’s wizardy face.

However, when The Pope sat down with his hotdog and diet coke, he was in for a nasty surprise. All this hocus pocus of making potions in a lab, flying around on a broomstick and generally having fun shocked him so much he dropped his half-eaten penis-shaped snack! This isn’t the Christian way at all. Subsequently the following papal statement was issued about Harry Potter:

“The character was evil and born of “the devil.”

Well that isn’t very good is it? Surely his influential comments would drive away tons of people from seeing the film. Oh wait, it didn’t. Never mind, at least the comments made for an interesting Grumpy Old Men audition tape if nothing more. But that was then – times have changed. Now The Pope loves Harry Potter so much that he’d like to make contact with Daniel Radcliffe via a hug. Which definitely wouldn’t be gay. According to the Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano:

“Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is the best of the series yet. The Vatican say that the film “made the age-old debate over good v evil crystal clear” and said it had the “correct balance” not exhibited in the other films.”

Why couldn’t The Pope have banned the film adaptation of Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code instead? Everyone in the world would have been united in happiness then. Not just pissed off cinema goers.

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