You can tell Sting used to be a teacher can't you. Fresh from ditching his lute in the nearest bin and getting The Police back together, Sting's fixed up a little writing contest so his fans can watch him sing some songs in a little tiny room.
As a sort of survivor's reward for the few people who don't start stabbing themselves in the head with carving knives the instant they see Sting titting about singing about red lights with his top off during the Grammy Awards this Sunday, The Police have announced a special show at the Whisky A Go Go the following day to mark the band's 30th anniversary, but you can only go if you promise to write Sting a "Wow Sting you were really great and the other two were quite good, whatever their names are" letter. Still, the Whisky A Go Go is a small club, so winners might even get with punching distance if they're lucky.
There have been some rubbish bands choose to reform lately – James, Crowded House, Van Halen – but by far the reunion we're least looking forward to watching is that of The Police. It's not so much Stewart Copland or the other one we've got a problem with. It's Sting. Smug mooby Sting and his seven houses. Smug lute-wanking Sting and his environmental hypocrisy. Twatty prancing Sting and his marriage-destroying banjo. Sting.
Sting has gracefully decided to call back Stewart Copeland and Andy Summers from talent show judging/ whatever andy Summers did hell to reunite The Police for the Grammy awards. This in itself is bad enough – knowing that you'll have to sit through Sting and The Police twirling around to that song about bottles for 15 minutes just to find out who won the award for Best Hawaiian Album Sleevenotes is about as off-putting as it gets – but there's more. Hot on the heels of a Police world tour rumour comes the announcement of a special competition to see The Police play in the Whisky A Go Go club in LA the day after the Grammy performance. Forbes reports:
To enter the drawing for a spot at "The Police Rehearsals," fans must be "legacy members" of Sting's official Web site, Sting.com, the 55-year-old singer announced in a posting Wednesday. Twenty lucky winners will be notified Friday. "After the event, we would like the winners to each submit to us 250 words that describes their experience of the day – we can say with some certainty that none of you will be lost for words!" the announcement said.
Typical Sting – you can only watch him play if you agree to masturbate his ego a bit more in writing first. Plus, notice how the competition is only open to members of Sting's website – a handy eff off to people who like Stewart Copeland more than Sting and all the people who turned in their memberships the moment that Sting got his sodding lute out.
Still, though, Sting's right in saying that none of the crowd will be lost for words – they'll all have plenty to write about thanks to the inclusion of the words "shit" "dull" "boring" "smug" "wank" and "tosser" in the English language.
Read more:
Lucy says
With you entirely. Sting is king bell-end
Tom says
“Least looking forward to”
I suppose you are some Generation Y’er who as far as you are concerned The Police are a Polka band from the 50’s. Shish!! And Van Halen is a “rubbish band”? I suppose you think Daughtry and 50 Cent are the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Mark my word. The Police will sell out everywhere they perform. Eat your words for you have no idea what great rock music is all about.
OccasionallyBald says
Tom, yes, The Police were a truly awesome band. The article doesn’t really deny that.
The problem is Sting’s overinflated wank-a-thon ego. I used to enjoy some of his earlier solo stuff, but his self-indulgent lute album has completely turned me off him.
Just because some lads created some stonking good music in the past doesn’t mean they need to be deified for time immemorial (see also case of one Paul Hewson aka “Bono” aka “God”).