Science-savvy boffins are claiming to have uncovered the formula for the perfect sitcom.
It has been conclusively decided, then, that Only Fools And Horses (DVDs) is the most rib-tickling series of all time. In news which is entirely coincidental and not-at-all related, the research was funded by satellite channel UK Gold – a station which reels out Horses repeats on an infinity-sized loop.
hecklerspray, meanwhile, has a secret to share. Want to know something really special about Only Fools And Horses? Something really amazing and surprising which has never been revealed before? Righty-ho. Deep breath, everybody…
Only Fools And Horses isn’t that good.
You can only see someone fall through a bar or call someone a ‘plonker’ once or twice before it ceases to be really funny. Current calculations estimate that each episode of the Peckham-based ‘classic’ have been wheeled out six billion times each over the last five years (all around eight-thirty on a rainy Wednesday night). The franchise has been milked like a seventy-year-old cow. Let it die, people.
The formula responsible goes something like this: "multiply the recognisable qualities of the main character (r) by their delusions of grandeur (d)."
"This is added to the verbal wit of the script (v) and the total is multiplied by the amount someone falls over (f)."
"The total is divided by the success of any scheme during the show (a) and the difference in social status between the highest and lowest ranking characters is then added (s)."
And you thought it was all gurning to camera and penis jokes.
Apparently the formula is going to ‘help comedy writers revive the golden days of the sitcom’ … you know, those ‘special’ halcyon-tinged years of On The Buses (DVDs) and Love Thy Neighbour (DVDs).
The formula also explains why Johnny Vaughan’s ‘Orrible was such a massive flop. Although most of us don’t need a string of mathematics to help us realise that Johnny Vaughan – and anything that features him – is about as funny as sawing your arm off with a ruler.
The Office (DVDs) slides into second-funniest-ever position, followed by Father Ted (DVDs), the perennially over-rated Fawlty Towers (DVDs) and the pretty good BlackAdder (DVDs).
It doesn’t, however, explain the massive popularity of My Family (DVDs) - a show which, despite the colossal ratings, couldn’t be less funny if it was set in Hiroshima on a sunny day in 1945.
Guess there’s more calculating to be done, eh fellas?
[story by C J Davies]
