There are just two things that people care about when it comes to the Oscars: how much the host messes up and what dresses the girls wear. And who wins the actual awards too, a little bit.

On the host front, everything is going to plan – Jon Stewart is already being called the most disappointing host of anything in the history of all mankind for basically not singing any funny songs. And on the dresses front, none of the actresses turning up for the Oscars let us down either. Here’s our rundown of what dresses were worn on the Oscars red carpet this year:

Charlize Theron – Turned up to the Oscars with a Marge Simpson haircut and a dress with a bow on her shoulder roughly the size of Nepal. Needless to say, she looked a right tit.

Felicity Huffman – Wore a sort of frilly black dress thing to the Oscars. Some people are calling it "one of the most stunning dresses of the evening." We’re calling it "a sort of frilly black dress thing," and we’re sticking to it.

Jennifer Lopez – Waltzed down the Oscars red carpet in a dress the colour of the interior of a dodgy taxi. Made her arse look big, naturally.

Naomi Watts – Stole our Nan’s net curtains, covered herself in Pritt Stick and rolled around on top of the curtains indiscriminately, by the looks of how she walked down the Oscars red carpet.

Keira Knightley – Turned up at the Oscars dressed as her out of Splash.

Jane Seymour – Yeah, nice dress and everything Dr Quinn, but why in the name of pissing turds have you decided to bring a tiny guitar to the Oscars? You weirdo.

You’ll be pleased to know that literally everyone else who attended the Oscars wore some clothes. We’re not going to show you pictures of them – we think you’ll find our devastatingly accurate descriptions are plenty – but if you do want to look at what the Oscars attendees wore, there’s a nifty little Oscars frock slideshow at the Sky website. That fashion correspondent role on LK Today is as good as ours…