Last night’s Oscars set up a number of rivalries – Sandra Bullock vs Meryl Streep, Steve Martin vs Alec Baldwin.

Crippling tedium vs wanting to shoot yourself in the mouth. But perhaps the biggest Oscars rivalry of them all was Avatar vs The Hurt Locker. One a low-budget issue-led drama about modern warfare, the other the world’s most expensive PS3 cutaway scene. One a commercial juggernaut, the other a flop. One directed by a woman, the other directed by a man with woman’s hair, which is more or less the same thing. Which film would emerge from the Oscars triumphant?

Turns out it was The Hurt Locker. So, you know, it’s probably time to start pretending that you’ve already seen it and stuff.

Chances are you’ve probably already seen some footage from the Oscars by now. And, if not, maybe you followed one of the billion Oscars liveblogs that just about every website on the face of the planet decided to run last night. And, if not, maybe you’ve read stories about it in newspapers or heard your colleagues talking about it. But if none of that applies to you, hey, we’re here. And if you’re primarily getting your Oscars news from us, you have every reason to feel utterly ashamed of yourself.

But nevertheless, here’s a whistlestop rundown of all the major Oscar winners from last night. Just in case you haven’t already seen them. But you have. We honestly don’t know why we bother sometimes.

Best Supporting Actor – Christoph Waltz, for the uncannily accurate German accent he trained so hard to nail in Inglourious Basterds.

Best Supporting Actress – Mo’Nique, which means she’ll have to gradually start phasing her surname into the credits of her future movies, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson-style, because she’s a real actress now.

Best Actor – Jeff Bridges, not because Crazy Heart is very good – because it really isn’t – but because he grew a beard and he probably won’t get nominated ever again after appearing in that bloody Tron film.

Best Actress – Sandra Bullock, who couldn’t really cry very convincingly during her acceptance speech, probably because she’s had her face surgically tightened to such an absurd degree that her tear ducts are now located just behind her ears.

Best Picture – The Hurt Locker, a magical futuristic yarn about the peace-loving Na’vi race and their fight against colonisation by… oh, no, whoops, it’s the one about explosions and people looking sad. Sorry. Poor old James Cameron, eh?

Best Director – Kathryn Bigelow, who became the first woman to ever win an Oscar ever. No woman has ever won an Oscar before, not even in any of the 81 previous Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress categories. Truly, Kathryn Bigelow is a visionary and a pioneer. Her acceptance speech was probably about periods or how much she likes eating cake or something. We weren’t really listening.

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Tagged as: Avatar, Kathryn Bigelow, Oscars, Oscars 2010, The Hurt Locker