Ever since Plain Jane the Superbrain took off her glasses, smeared some slutty red lipstick around her mouth, and rubbed ice cubes on her stupid nipples, the celebrity makeover has been a must for anyone hoping to increase their fame.
For those unaware, the whole Plain Jane thing happened in the Australian drama serial, Neighbours. She went from geek to whore in a matter of moments.
It was astonishing. Completely astonishing. And it got us to thinking about what the greatest celebrity makeovers of all time might be. We narrowed it down to this small bunch.
1. Joaquin Phoenix
In a career spanning almost twenty years, we have become used to Joaquin’s various physical changes – the majority of which have been a result of the natural aging process, and the awkwardness of puberty. Most recently, however, he’s embarked on a road to total gorgeousness by letting his face-pubes run amock. This has resulted in a gentlemanly beard, leaving Phoenix at the forefront of hobo chic. Rumours suggest that he has even been bathing in milk to achieve a sexy Cleopatra level of putrid, sour stink. Hollywood is watching in shocked, silent?awe.
2. Amy Winehouse
When she first arrived in the line of public vision, Amy Winehouse was just your everyday jazz singing stage schooler. Her body was almost completely blemish free, and she was around the average weight for a young woman. Exactly, how boring. Thankfully, she, like Phoenix, embarked on a makeover of her own, by covering her body in strange tattoos – usually only seen on the arms of drunk sea dogs, or alarmingly violent men in one of the country’s many jails. And filling her?veins and lungs?with popular street drugs like heroin and crack. After that the weight completely fell off. She even started her own line in blood-filled ballerina shoes, presumably aimed at kids. Bloody work horse.
3. Claire from Steps
Like Winehouse, when Claire from Steps was actually in Steps, she looked like every other girl walking down every single street on the entire planet – blonde, sparkly, very beautiful. Hence she went about her makeover by plopping herself down on an exercise couch and stuffing great big handfuls of McDonalds into her greedy mouth, using both of her arms – which, by the way, were becoming considerably weaker with every passing day. After months of hard work, the makeover was complete, and she was a big fat blob. A massive wobbly-bottomed jelly-woman. Great look, Claire. But did H follow suit? H did not. Jesus, H. Christ.
4. Robbie Williams
Probably the most fascinating of the makeovers, Williams focussed the majority of his attention on having a personality makeover. This involved lots of personal work, lots of staring angrily into a mirror. Lots of shouting to the heavens to send him more money, more success, more women. It involved talking endlessly to anyone who would listen about?his every waking emotion, each individual thought delivered as though it were caked in finest platinum.??He even spoke a little bit about aliens, before going back to discussing himself again.?Makeover complete, he is now a total cretin.
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