There is only one source on this earth that is better at producing terrifying quotables than the Men’s Health sex advice column – Megan Fox, in just about every interview that she has ever given.

Men’s Health bend over backwards every month to produce the most unbelievably stupid relationship advice they can. Yet without even trying their arch-nemesis Megan repeatedly wipes the floor with them in the Who Can Produce The Stupidest Quotes This Month contest.

The latest relationship advice from the Men’s Health sex column is entitled Make Her Seduce You. While Megan’s contest entry this month comes from the October 2009 issue of Cosmopolitan.

The Men’s Health column is so off the wall this month. The only logical conclusion one could come to is the person writing it is having a joke at your expense. A rather long-winded joke that is more likely to land you in jail than in the sack with your partner. While the delightful Megan just makes you glad that you stopped reading Cosmo when everyone else did – 10 years ago.

Rather than reprimand the two for being so hostile to their own fan-base, let us turn them on each other for the sake of our amusement. If Megan is as sexual as she says she is, and if Men’s Health is worth the paper it’s printed on, let us shoddily throw together a Men’s Health guide to seducing Megan Fox.

The first tip offered will help you to turn on that illusive A-list beauty.

Men’s Health tip number one: She initiates sex about as often as Libya initiates peace.
Men’s Health solution: Buy her new shoes.

Yes. Don’t dare hint that you have enough respect for her to initiate a conversation. Buy her two sizes too small shoes.

In order to have this trick work with Megan you need to aim a little higher than her feet. She suggests the way to her heart is her stomach, by making her a sandwich. Oh, hang on. A Manwich. Close enough.

Megan to Cosmo on her ideal man and what turns her on: “A sexy sandwich with Andy Samberg and Jonah Hill…”

The second issue tackled is how often one’s partner hides under the sheets during a session.

Men’s Health tip number two: She hides her body under sheets, pillows, and you.
Men’s Health solution: Go for general compliments. Tell her, “Your body is incredible.”

For a shy partner Men’s Health recommend glib comments. Instead of getting a slap around the back of the head for complimenting her boobs, just tell her she’s hotness all over. Because nondescript compliments always sound sincere when one of you is half-naked.

Megan has no such issues with getting naked. Though she says she almost never gets naked in front of her lovers. Instead she gets naked in front of photographers for lad’s mag shoots. So that kind of sucks for you, should you ever get her into the bedroom.

Megan to Cosmo on being able to count the number of guys she’s gotten naked in front of on one hand: “I never call them guys. I always called them boys. Maybe it’s a superiority complex–my needing to keep them down.”

This final tidbit is something not even the wishful thinkers at Men’s Health saw coming. According to Megan she and any other woman in a heterosexual relationship holds all of the power in their vagina. Oh, hang on a minute. Because of their vagina. The former was just silly.

On women having the power in a her relationship: “Women hold the power because we have the vaginas. If you’re in a heterosexual relationship and you’re a female, you win.”

So there you have it, other than one curve-ball that not even Nostradamus saw coming, that is how one would go about getting Megan Fox to seduce them. Easy as pie. Or shall we say, easy as making a manwich.

This was a guest blog by the glorious and lovely Amy Grindhouse. Visit her blog now, please

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