The Laverty Empire Thunderdome Diaries: Month Three

In which hecklerspray writer Chris Laverty chronicles his efforts to win the X Factor-style Empire Thunderdome writing competition…

Month 3: Marmite

A nice turn of phrase from one of the Empire judges in last month’s magazine, "I instinctively dislike you." Score!

Still, this hecklerspray nut has had a lot worse thrown at him on home turf. Being referred to as a "place to put shit" being among the most inspired. And if truth were told, being the villain is kinda fun.

The February task (write a 250 word news story of interest to Empire readers and suggest a picture) was both straightforward and extremely difficult. Firstly, 250 words is not much to say a lot, and far too much to say a little. Plus I knew that I would not be able to nab a scoop as sweet as some of the more bookish competitors in Thunderdome. I just hoped that my entry would be both professional and passingly interesting enough to make the grade. Moreover I’m growing tired of the dissident tag I seem to have picked up like a shit on a loafer. This article will be my softer side. Perhaps. Barely. Maybe. Just.

I selected a quiet subject that, while not exactly a major scoop, was at least substantiated at rumour stage. I tried to write as though the article was actually appearing in the magazine out of the competition. I’m concerned the end result is a trifle dull, though with that last box of Christmas Celebrations sitting heavy in my stomach, it will have to do. It’s New Year’s Eve tomorrow, too. That actually means nothing when you are as old as I am and just complain a lot.

Now, if there is one thing that has cooked my ass this month it’s the Empire forum. I get slated with a load of insults and random swearwords by some board junkie. I respond in kind with random insults and swear words and somehow manage to turn the entire constitution against me. Do I regret what I said? Some of it. Do I stand by making the board junkie cry? Absolutely. That said, most people on there seem decent enough. Just a few bad apples, whole damn bunch, etc.

Here we are, it’s the first double figures of Jan and I’m losing it. At this point I’ll be amazed if I get through to next month. Faith slipping… confidence on the shake… dial rising. Must… even… out… pres-sure…

And then it comes, such an odd end to the oddest of odd months. Empire decline in all their wisdom to let us contestants know if we are in or out (except the unlucky Dane, who went). It’s been a couple of weeks of sweaty hell checking emails like I’m waiting for Keira Knightley’s response to the last ‘Met Bar at seven?’ message I sent. We get no heads-up on the task either. Instead I flop onto the Empire forum in the middle of the night to discover some fella has already bought a copy of the magazine in a comic shop somewhere - three days before the official publication date! The cat is out of the bag - somehow I’m in. I’m also due another task to complete in a matter of days, so I best get off and do it.

Thanks, guys! Keep voting. It’s morphin’ time!

You know the deal by now people - blast on over to the Empire Thunderdome page and vote for Chris Laverty. And keep voting. And then keep voting. And keep voting. And then stop voting.