The Jonas Brother That Nobody Likes Gets Engaged
The Jonas Brothers are so adorable, aren’t they? Which one is your favourite? Nick or Joe? Oh, we can’t decide either!
What? Kevin Jonas? There’s a Kevin Jonas? You mean that weird-looking guy who usually stands behind the other two is a Jonas Brother as well? Wow. We just assumed that he was their manager or their dad or a particularly persistent beggar or something.
Anyway, Kevin Jonas has just got engaged. No date has been set, although hopefully it won’t happen until Kevin Jonas has finished On Chesil Beach and properly developed his desperately profound fear of physical intimacy.
Kevin Jonas deserves your sympathy for two main reasons. Firstly he’s the oldest member of a teen-targeted pop band made up of brothers. He’s Isaac Hanson. And being Isaac Hanson is no fun, especially because you’ll inevitably end up riddled with lung-scabs.
Worse still, Kevin Jonas is the oldest member of a teen-targeted pop band made up of brothers who are globally known for their hardcore no sex before marriage stance. That stance might be fine for Nick Jonas and Joe Jonas, because they’re only 16 and 19 years old respectively, but Kevin Jonas turns 22 in four months. The poor boy can’t go anywhere without being confronted by crowds of lusty-eyed fans, and there’s nothing he can do about it. This is just a stab in the dark, but we’d imagine that Kevin Jonas’ testicles are constantly like giant twitching watermelons.
But, credit where it’s due, Kevin Jonas has decided to do something about it. He’s getting married.
Who to? Well, as a Jonas Brother Kevin Jonas has the entire world of women at his command. Look at his brothers – one of them might be involved with Miley Cyrus and the other one’s going out with the monobrowed bikini girl from 10,000 BC (the key word there is ‘bikini’ rather than ‘monobrowed’, obviously) – so which A-list stunner has Kevin Jonas landed himself? Well, her name is Danielle Deleasa and um, she sort of used to be a hairdresser once. Does that count? People reports:
Deleasa couldn’t believe what was happening. Then, “She said yes, yes, yes like 500 times super fast in a row,” the oldest of the Jonas Brothers tells PEOPLE… “It was tough performing last night, knowing that I was going to ask the biggest question in my life to the most amazing girl in the world,” he says.
Oh, that’s… that’s actually quite sweet. What a spoilsport. Couldn’t he have at least thrown in a “Finally, I’ll get to see what a naked woman looks like!” or a “You know what? I can’t wait to take this purity ring and set the cocking thing on fire. Do you know how many women I could have shagged if it weren’t for this piece of crap on my finger? Millions. I literally could have shagged millions of girls. And now, just because curiosity got the better of me, I’m stuck with this one for the rest of my life. Thanks a lot purity ring, you massive arse”?
No? For us? No? You bloody spoilsport.
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i could of sworn he was the gay brother. if you watch their shows, he’s always the flamboyant one who barely gets to talk aka they’re trying to hide this obvious massive dosage of fagetry from the show. damn, just watch him come out in a year or 2.
This posting is more than insulting and stereotyping; it borders on hate mongering. Judging by his response, Jacob not only lacks a level of education and exposure to the world but also basic manners. And more important, as any psychology student will tell you, a person who has such language at their command is obviously wrestling with his own sexual identity — which is just one more thing that we do not need to hear about.
I just have to say Kevin Jonas is loved just as much as his brothers…I was at the vancouver show and we all were in Kevin Heaven hes awesome always smiling so shuve it! what a horrible thing to say
I know i totally agree, who ever wrote this is a f***ing asswhole. AGHHHHHH I cant believe how nasty and horrible you could be to someone just because they arnt sleeping with every woman they see. And so what if Danielle isnt famous like nick and joes girlfriends If he loves her then why shouldnt he marry her. I cant believe you AGHHHHHH :@
Somehow, I don’t think it was a big problem for Mr. Jonas to resist the urge to get involved with some random psycho fan.
I could careless about hte Jonas brothers, I’m a 35 year old woman. My question is who is this idiot reporter?
Yeah, who is this idiot reporter??? He deserves an awesome writin award!!!
And your a complete ass hole arnt you
Wow, YOu title is really ignorant. Ever think that someone is just a person just like you. Maybe you should think before you write a headline.
Just an FYI I saw the headline on google news came here to comment. No way Im reading it.
I could care less about the brothers but that’s just ignorant.
LOL!!! You know you guys are not right! LOL!!!
Funny article though.
I agree with serialmike. I also came here via Google News due to the sheer ignorant nature of the title. It’s not surprising to see that the ‘reporting’ is substandard. I enjoy sarcasm and good humor. This article shows lack of any creativity or talent and instead tries to catch negative attention by mean-spirited material.
Lighten up people. That was hilarious and I’m a 42 year old mom.
Kind of mean spirited article – - sounds like someone is a little envious.
Hi, Stuart.
You’re an asshole. But then, you knew that.
RE: Jacob
I totally agree that my gaydar goes off the charts whenever the eldest Jonas tries to speak! I’ve also noticed how they keep him speaking the least to try to detract from that obvious fact. My guess is the poor shmoe was home schooled in a religious home and is wanting to get married to prove to both his parents and himself that he’s not gay. Then he will either get divorced and come out a few years later, live the down-low life of same-sex encounters off of Craigslist in sleezy motels or the worst, living a miserable life never coming to terms or acceptance for who he is. Only time will tell.
this is a terrible thing to write. i like him and so do others. He knows how to speak and is very charming. Everybody should be as nice as these boys are. This is not nice
Bing has them running scared?
Heheheheh! This is one funny article! I wish I could write like this! What’s up with these Jonas brothers anyway? Like Menudo, Backstreet Boys, and the other group I cant remember right now, this is teenage music marketing gone beserk. What’s the value of popularity and tons of money when you can even get some vitamin P?
Personally, while I found the article was an amusing point of view…I don’t take it at face value.
I am 42, I like the Jonas Brothers (but I’m not all “oh, Jonaaaaassss.” I just think that they’re good.) But more than that, I’m pleasantly surprised that there can actually be celebrities who can…*gasp*…keep it clean.
In a country where our rolemodels are drunkards, leches, sluts, and druggies…it’s nice to have some teen role models stand up and say, “No.” And that he’s getting married at 21? That’s not a “run into bed because my testicles are throbbing.” He’s known the girl and dated her for *TWO* years. That’s an engagement waiting to happen. Also, that he’s marrying a non-celeb? He stands a better chance at not divorcing, since celeb-celeb marriages oftentimes are “Doomed By Ego.”
this article is quite ridiculous to say the least.
Well, the writer of this article really seems like an out of work pornstar with a wife earning loads in the same industry….i mean what is the deal with the language being used by this idiot? Is he even sane? One thing’s for sure that the writer has some really big problems in his life…
I deeply love the Jonas Brothers, and I loved this article. It’s just for fun. The Chesil Beach reference was the best!!
Wow. This article is the most offensive thing I’ve ever heard, even if it IS meant as a joke. True Jonas fans LOVE Kevin, he is not the “other” one too us. He’s just as important as Joe or Nick. As well, this engagement isn’t just an “okay, I’ll get married so I can finally get laid and then divorce her.” NO. They have been dating for 2 years! You don’t spend that much time with a person JUST to loose your virginity. THEY ARE IN LOVE! I’ll admit, Kevin is a BIT young for marriage, and he could’ve waited slightly longer to propose, but if they are happy together, then that’s all that matters. Kevin was raised to be a gentleman, a great husband, and a great father, and I KNOW that he’ll follow through, and Danielle and Kevin will spend an amazing life together.
This article = failed attempt at humour.
kk Kevin Jonas may be not good looking but there is no reason to put him in his lace like this…….
i think its stupid the way you are talking about him….. i could care less if someone just said he ugly and thats all but this is going over board
think about what your doing here and keep your mind open to the fact that the things you writing here you could get put in jail for….. i am a huge fan of the Jonas brothers and thats not the reason im wrting this…. its because think…. what if he knew you and put this stuff up there about you… yeah exactly what i thot….. i would watch what i say if i were you,…….
So, as I’m reading these comments I think I have come up with a simple formula.
Pop Idol Fantatic = moron + no sense of humor + brainwashed
EG:
MJ Fan = moron + no sense of humor + brainwashed
Chris Brown Fan = moron + no sense of humor + brainwashed
Rihanna Fan = moron + no sense of humor + brainwashed
Brittney Spears Fan = moron + no sense of humor + brainwashed
It’s weird how I never pick the popular threads to comment on. Clearly, I’m too old or something. Personally, I like Jacob above. The rest: meh.
what the heck???? people do love kevin!
i bet 99% of all people like him better then you!
i for one am not a HUGE fan of kevin BUTTT i also
am not a hater all you people that dont know him shouldnt
judge him because as far as everyone knows you were never
his best friend or not even close to being his friend so i doubt
you know anything about him! so just leave the heck alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you but craps! shut up and mind your own business and im sure
because you wrote this allllll of the JB fans will hate you forever as well
as i do, ESPECIALLY THE KEVIN LOVERS! get a freakin life!
You know what? actually i am a pretty big fan but who in the world
gives a crap? but still get a life! i bet when you get married
(unless you did already, and if you did im highly surprised) that people
werent talking bad about you but i know id be laughing very had! get a life,
HAHAHAHAHA! -your biggest hater
This article is so insulting. And I love Kevin Jonas and so do many other people. If this was supposed to be a joke, it wasn’t very funny…
IM A BIG FAN IM FROM KUWAIT
BYE GTG
Purity ring. Can YOU imagine such a sick witted contrivance? I’d have to knock off a finger rather than sport such a controlling device. So, if you have sex and you are wearing it do you explode or something?
The watermelon balls is intriguing. Poor man. Must be about to absolutely kill him. He so needs relief. Let’s chant, SET – wait, what’s his name? Oh yeah (scrolled up) Set Kevin FREE! Let his balls have relief and great on him he found some gal ready to help him out. Chuck that ring in the nearest drain and run the water.
Good.
So, apparently, lots of 12 year old girls comment here.
speak for urself asshole!! everyone whos a ‘real’ fan of the jonas brothers loves kevin! GODDD I FREAKIN HATE HATERSS!! GO GET A EFFIN LIFE!!
Wow, I can’t believe i wasted my time reading this ridiculous article.
Who ever is a real fan loves Kevin.
Hey which one of you want some candy?
Giggit Giggity Giggity.
Say goodbye to the Jonas Brother’s career. Their 13 year old fans will feel betrayed and heartbroken by Kevin getting married and will stop buying/downloading their music.
Also, don’t be surprised if they got engaged because she got pregnant.
many of us are not real fans so fuck off and hooray for us.
Kevin’s dad probably has his parental controls set to only allow his boys to visit the Disney and nickalodian websites so don’t cry for the millionaire you ridiculous bitch’s.
It could all be just an image…how do you know he doesn’t have hookers waiting after each show? What because they say they don’t? MJ said he only got two nose jobs and has a skin disease, both were lies. Britney said she was a virgin loooonnng after she wasn’t.
Just laugh a little in this world before you die. Whats it matter in 100yrs that someone punked on some git on a satirical website once. He won’t loose anything and you won’t loose or gain anything for loving or hating this story.
The Disney pre-teen stars just mindless clones that are controled by their undead master Walt Disney. It’s not a cryo-chamber his body is in, it’s a mind booster array to control his clones.
Have you seen this girl…ugly kids in the works. She looks like pinocchio bred with a horse.
HAHAHA IM DYING OF LAUGHTER
i literally laughed out loud hahahahahhahah
kevin is an awesome person and whoever wrote this is extremely perverted and needs to get a severe reality check on the morals in life Kevin and awesome and if NOBODY likes him then i am nobody and the bible says touch not my anointed so you better watch your mouths i don’t say that as a threat from me but a facts from God cant you just be happy for someone or is it impossible for you! Why do you have to make every situation a porno movie this is ridiculous. I forgive you because i believe in the bible love you and God Bless
Okay so I’m 15 years old.
I’m a huge Jonas fan, like the screaming every time ther in tv or a magazine,
Stay up till 1 am to watch them, jonas wall, staying home from school to buy tickets,
Missing school for ther movie premiere, buying the same cd 3 times at midnight, midnight showing of ther
3D movie, etc.
I’m like obsessed.
And I honestly do love Kevin.
Joe’s my favee but Kevin is a close second.
Nick however comes after a few more celebs.
Anyway, I’m a huge Jonas fan for ther music, personalities, moral, and obviously looks.
But I thought this article was brilliant.
Its seriously like the most hilarious thing I’ve everr read!!
You don’t have to agree with it, but you do have to admit, its pretty fantastic.
It gave me a good laugh.
So people, don’t crap your pants over jokes, please.
you are a completely asshole!! kevin might feel in a hurry cause its hard to wait such a long time but im from argentina im 16 and i think he is great and he is as talented as his brothers! i personally love nick, but i think kevin is also cute!! and a real fan loves kevin as well!!
i shouldnt have read this stupid article!! i wasted my precious time!!
yeah this was funny!! but stupid!! seriously.. dont you have something more important to do with your time?
What is your problem?
i just have to say that if kevin wanted to make that choice then he should atleast hes not marryin too too young. I meen there r people out there who get married at 15. But i think that the person hes getting married to is pretty. Maybe itll work out.
you are extremley pathetic.
‘the jonas brother that nobody likes’ uhmmm your so totally wrong i love this guy and a lot of other people do aswell, just because you don’t like him doesn’t mean you have to be a complete and utter arsehole about it.
Him and Danielle have been going out for 2 years and they’re happy together so leave the fuck alone! and since he hasn’t had sex for nearly 22 years its a bloody achievement so you shouldn’t slag him maybe congratulate him ?!!!
Kevin Jonas <3333333333333 (:
!
so fuck you pal
Ok first of all just b/c someone save themselves until marriage, doesn not mean their gay. Actually is more of a man for respecting a woman other than taking advantage of them just to get pleasure. Mr. Heritage you are one ignorant person. Just b/c you write an article doesn’t make you smart and it doesn’t give you the right to offend ppl in that matter. Maybe you do sleep around with millions of girls like you say the Jonas brother could of done, but you will be crying once you find yourself with aids or any other sexual decease. This article is just stupid and the person who wrote it is even stupier for thinking that Male are dumb for saving themselves for marriage.