Think of Jerry Springer (DVDs) and what comes to mind? Roaring trailer-dwelling Americans? Toothless old members of the KKK? Women in bikinis whooping? Men that only get turned on by taping dead fish to different parts of their bodies?

All of these have appeared on Jerry Springer at one point or another in the past. But now, Jerry faces his biggest challenge yet: following The People’s Court with The Springer Show on ITV.

When Trisha left ITV, there was a gaping void in their
schedules. Where could they possibly find a replacement for man-hating
Trisha and the band of painfully stupid, hydrosensitive, honking goons
who queued up to appear on her show, mainly to scream about DNA tests.

ITV had a brainwave, and that was to set up a court. A People’s Court,
where the viewing public could act as a jury for a number of petty
cases. One day they had to judge if a man loved his daughter or not (he
didn’t, and was fined £100). Or, if deciding between right or wrong was
too taxing, they could simply text in semi-literate messages to the
show instead.

But the format of the show meant that one of the main staples of ITV morning television couldn’t be dealt with. Basically, you can’t do DNA tests in The People’s Court.

So Jerry Springer has hot-footed across the Atlantic to mop up all the excess DNA tests with ITV’s The Springer Show. But if he was expecting his UK show to be as rowdy and chaotic as his American show, he was wrong. Almost.

There’s a common misconception that Americans are stupid and angry.
In fact, that’s not the case. There are stupid and angry British people
too, but America’s bigger so there are more of them then there are of
us.

The first people on The Springer Show proved what an idiotically pugnacious nation we can be; a
group of dreadful, screaming fools who appeared to be so doltish that
they’d fight a puddle if they had the chance. Obviously, it was a DNA
dispute of some kind – possibly an argument about whether any of them
actually possessed any human genes whatsoever.

There was so much squawking at one point that Jerry Springer attempted one of his trademark quips, "Why don’t we all sing God Save The Queen?", only to be met with an inspired retort. One of the women pointed her finger at her rival and bellowed "We dunno the words! But she knows the words to Slappers Reunited!"

There’s a prize on offer if anyone can tell us what Slappers Reunited is, not least what the words are to it.

The more stereotyped British character was showcased later on in the
show. Two families wanted a DNA test, but were more concerned with
being civil with each other than anything else. This left Jerry bemused
- you could almost see him thinking "Where’s the old man in the silk nightie dry humping a toy giraffe? Shouldn’t he be on by now?"

Oddly, a Jerry Springer show with no freakish sexual weirdos,
swearing or staged violence turns out to be pretty identical to a
Trisha show. Funny that.

[story by Stuart Heritage]