The Empire Thunderdome Diaries: Month Two

In which hecklerspray writer Chris Laverty chronicles his efforts to win the X Factor-style Empire Thunderdome writing competition…

Made it through the first month. Grateful for the votes and am ready to sweat all over again, ‘cos I know that’s what you really want.

Month 2: Being a Bitch

Read the comment about my Payback review printed in the magazine. Totally justified. This is the last time I will mention that cursed ‘deathsticks’ word ever again. Why didn’t I choose B&H or Silk Cut? Both are funny. A momentarily, isolated, lapse in judgement. Nice photo of me in a tux though. You can’t even see the wires.

The second task: is to state why I’m a better candidate for Empire than the fella standing on my stage left in the main photograph. Okay, fine. Ingratiating yourself without resorting to physical insults is never as easy as it sounds. It can be fun though.

Seriously, I’d love to say this task was a struggle. That it was difficult to not devilishly lay into the other guy and his vacuum-packed Star Wars collection. The truth is that it was actually harder to reign myself in.

I started on physical insults and then had a re-think. There was more than enough ammunition in his words without resorting to transsexual lookalike jokes. I tapped away and finished the whole thing in a reasonably swift period of busyness. I went back and added something about Casino Royale being shit (I’d just come back from watching it at my local ‘plex and couldn’t believe such toilet was not actually toilet paper). This Casino Royale thing swooped in like the ‘great idea’ it was alongside another moan about Toy Story 2. If I find it nothing more than pleasantly head bobbing, then that’s up to me. Moreover it is definitely no way for a grown man to spend 90 minutes enjoying himself.

Soon after I’d finished being insulting I heard from Empire. Apparently they would like us Thunderdome contestants to spend a little longer on the Empire message board. They want more traffic to their site, and that’s understandable. Though at the moment the whole thing seems to be a love-in/Googling competition. If the majority of the competitors aren’t kissing cheeks, they’re correcting each other’s posts with a masterful grasp of The World’s Most Popular Search Engine. Great way to demonstrate you’re a writer: tapping.

Hearing I was in the Thunderdome for another month (pleasingly blunt Empire email from the Ed) was the major relief anyone would expect it to be. I am starting to feel labelled as a wandering rebel and would love the opportunity to show the readers I am made of more. Or just resort to yelling at the other contestants in increasingly hideous ways, either would do really.

Now it's over to you - go to the Empire Thunderdome page and vote for Chris Laverty! Vote until your finger snaps off, then  keep voting with the bleeding stump that's left over.