The Emmys Happen. That’s About It

Everyone loves the Emmys. They’re just like The Oscars, only duller and so full of Ryan Seacrest that even his own mother sort of gets bored of looking at him by the end.

The Emmys took place last night, and they were a special Emmys, too - the 60th anniversary of the ceremony. So which megawatt uberstar got to mark this prestigious moment? The fanny-faced bloke from Deal Or No Deal, that’s who. And Ryan Seacrest. Naturally.

But, hey, who won at the Emmys last night? Well, Mad Men picked up the most prestigious award! And 30 Rock scooped several others! And blah! And snore! And honk! And fleurgh!

OK, look, we have a confession to make. We didn’t actually watch the Emmys last night. It’s not that we didn’t want to, it’s just… no, actually it was entirely because we didn’t want to. If we wanted to watch three hours of TV people backslapping each other largely without merit, we’d just hang around for a morning at any TV production company in the world. At least that way we wouldn’t have to go through the soul-crushing rigmarole of seeing Jeremy Piven leap around clutching a shiny trophy for essentially playing Jeremy Piven for the 15th year running.

But, anyway, just because we didn’t see the Emmys doesn’t mean we don’t know what happened. For example, judging by the videos of the Emmys submitted to YouTube so far, the entire three-hour ceremony was given over to Josh Groban, who attempted to sing one line from every television theme-tune ever made in such a variety of irritating wacky voices that we’re surprised nobody clambered onto the stage and punched him to the ground about three seconds in. Here’s a five-minute excerpt…

But the Emmys being tedious and uncomfortably self-congratulatory isn’t news - the news is who won the Emmys. So here’s who won the Emmys.

Man Men won Best Drama and Best Writing for a drama series, which was probably deserved even though watching an episode of Mad Men feels a bit like watching an episode of The Sopranos in slow motion in the moments between overdosing on cough medicine and waiting for the ambulance to arrive.

30 Rock won Emmys for Best Comedy, Best Comedy Actor, Best Comedy Actress and Best Writing for a comedy series which, again, was probably deserved despite Charlie Sheen’s continued excellence at playing a monotone dullard who really looks like he’d much rather being doing anything else at all and who wouldn’t even be on this stinking show if it weren’t for the alimony he has to pay his bitch of an ex-wife on Two And A Half Men.

Other winners at the Emmys included John Adams, Don Rickles and Glenn Close. Other losers at the Emmys includes anyone who watched the Emmys.

Honestly, don’t the people behind the Emmys know that people only take award ceremonies seriously if Britney Spears turns up and wins a bunch of stuff she patently doesn’t deserve just because she’s got hair and isn’t crying for once? You’d do well to remember that for next year, Emmy people.