Are you having a merry Christmas? No, neither are we. Merry Christmas. Humbug!
But what is the worst thing about Christmas? Having to spend the entire day with your family and pretending you are enjoying it? No, that can actually be OK sometimes, just as long as it’s just one day a year. OK, how about the seemingly endless hours spent shopping for presents your ungrateful loved ones didn’t want in the first place? Nope.
How about receiving the kind of presents even the most desperate Third World orphan would turn its nose up at? Not even close.
It’s the endless barrage of Christmas songs you are subjected to. In the bar, in the shop, in your own house – you just can’t escape it. You are not even supposed to complain about it – because it’s Christmas, of course.
No wonder suicide rate rates are so high during the festive period.
It has nothing to do with the pressure of providing a successful Christmas for your ever-demanding family – it’s being forced to listen to the kind of songs you would at any other time of the year rather chew your own arm off than hear. But which ones are the worst? Which songs smell worse than Rudolph’s breath?
Here are our suggestions. Oh, and before you ask, we are well aware that some of these are not the original artists – just the worst…
20. Back Door Santa
Culprit: Clarence Carter
Ah, Christmas. Snow. The spirit of goodwill to all men. The innocent joy in a child’s eye. Bribing those same children to go away so you can have anal sex with their mums before their dads get home. We’re welling up. We really are.
19. Yellowman Rock
Culprit: Yellowman
Tinpot Christmas reggae as performed by an off-key albino Jamaican. What’s not to like?
18. Merry Christmas With Love
Culprit: Clay Aitken
He’s the father of a child, you know. The mind boggles.
17. Christmas Conga
Culprit: Cyndi Lauper
Incidentally, if you try and telephone Hell in December and all the operators are busy, this is the on-hold music you’ll hear.
16. Santa’s Beard
Culprit: The Beach Boys
Conclusive proof that a fraudulent department store Father Christmas was the catalyst for Brian Wilson‘s decades of mental problems.
15. Christmas Shoes
Culprit: Newsong
The only song on this list where each line manages to be dramatically worse than the one before it, even though it never seems possible. Awful.
14. Eight Days of Xmas
Culprit: Destiny’s Child
“Doesn’t it feel like Christmas?” “Doesn’t it feel like Christmas?” “Doesn’t it feel like Christmas?” “Yes, it feels like Christmas.” Thanks, dickheads. You’ve been a great help.
13. Santa Claus is Coming To Town
Culprit: Bruce Springsteen
Or, as Bruce prefers to call it, Sannak Loss Iscummina Ta! WOO!
12. Santa Baby
Culprit: Madonna
You know what we want for Christmas? Our libido back, please.
11. Christmastime
Culprit: The Smashing Pumpkins
Good. There aren’t enough Christmas songs that sound like carbon monoxide suffocation. Thanks, Billy!
10. Here Comes Santa Claus
Culprit: Gene Autry
Substitute the words ‘Santa Claus’ for ‘Freddy Kruger‘ and you’ll realise why this song gives us the willies so much.
9. Jingle Bell Rock
Culprit: Billy Idol
We heard that if you watch this one all the way through, you get a phone call and you die a week later.
8. A Wonderful Christmas Time
Culprit: Paul McCartney
John Lennon wrote Merry Xmas (War is Over) and got shot. Paul McCartney wrote this abortion and lived. Make of that what you will.
7. Mistletoe And Wine
Culprit: Cliff Richard
No, that’s fine, Cliff. Start the video by peering through a window at a sleeping girl. That’s not creepy at all. You’ll be fine.
6. There’s No One Quite Like Grandma
Culprits: St Winifred’s School Choir
No. Not even ironically.
5. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Culprit: Jimmy Boyd
Dear whoever it was who decided to hire a boy with an obvious speech defect to sing a Christmas song with four different ‘s’ sounds in the title alone – you are a genius. Thank you. Signed, the world.
4. Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)
Culprit: John Denver
Essentially the EastEnders Christmas special, but sung in a country and western style by a grown man pretending to be a seven-year-old boy. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Oh, wait, there’s everything wrong with that. Our mistake.
3. Do They Know It’s Christmas
Culprits: Band Aid
Interesting fact: the starving children of Africa wrote and released a response record to this, entitled Do You Know You’re All A Load Of Shit-Haired Sanctimonious Wankers?
2. Have A Cheeky Christmas
Culprits: The Cheeky Girls
Jesus Christ, this is like the last five minutes of Requiem For A Dream.
1. Millennium Prayer
Culprit: Cliff Richard
No words. There are no words.
{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }
Sorry I actually like, Here Comes Santa Claus
Culprit: Gene Autry
Except for the some of the back ground voice stuff
Good old Gene Autry.
How for God’s sake did you miss “Last Christmas” by WHAM?? My ears bleed every time that comes on the radio. Because I get an overwhelming urge to shove nails into them.
Gene is awesome
Santa Claus Is Coming To Town and Gene Autry are antique and precious to me but you can add that irritating Chipmunk Song to the list.
Bruce’s Christmas song is a classic. The other songs belong on the list. Add Grandma got run over by a reindeer — it’s what the smart ass punks think is cool.
eh, i happen to like “Christmas Shoes”
and even though i happen to like “a Wonderful Christmas time” i do believe i’m the only one, so i’ll just not go there.
I pray that is probably because your mother is alive and well and didn’t die on Christmas Eve. Unfortunately that is not the case for many of us. I had to pull the plug on mine to fulfill a promise I had made to her that I would not let her live in a convulsive state with no hope for recovery from her advanced stages of cancer on Christmas eve. Every time I hear this song I have the urge to down a bottle of sleeping pills with a quart of scotch. I wish this touching song would just go away forever as it puts me and I am sure many others who are already in a depressed state into a suicidal one. Every time I hear it and cry for days and wish I would have a fatal heart attach to stop the hurting.
do it, you won’t. NO BALLS
I agree with some of these, the one I can’t stand is step into Christmas by Elton John.
Where’s “I Wanna Be Santa Claus” by Ringo Starr? The first time I heard it on the radio I thought I was going to be sick.
I honestly can’t tell the ethnicity of the “Cheeky Girls”. The fuck are they, Mexican or Japanese?? The accent is so ambiguous…
But the worst part was at the end of the video, when there was a link to “Crazy Frog — Last Christmas”. That one should be on this list. It’s pretty much Crazy Frog being a dumbass around Santa’s workshop.
And wtf is with his junk hanging out??
Oh yeah, and Millennium Prayer definitely deserves to be at the top of the list. God, what a cheap song. Combining the Lord’s Prayer and Auld Lang Syne. How very creative. And what the hell is he doing standing there like a corpse? waving his arms around like he’s the friggin pope? Pisses me off.
I personally think that Pumpkins and Band-Aid (1) deserve to be higher on the list.
clearly you have no idea who Dan Fogelburg is…
SAnta Claus is coming to town by Bruce what are you retarded whoever made this list and decided to include that one obviously doesnt listen to good music and is probably in love with the dave matthews band
I hate DMB and think the Bruce Springsteen song is awful. If you can’t respect someone’s personal opinion then you shouldn’t even open your mouth. Make your own fucking list.
o god the cheeky chicks can’t sing to save their lives. I think that should be the top of the list!
The Christmas songs I can’t stand are the religious ones performed by Jewish singers.
Think about it…
Bruce Springsteen reminds me of a dirty old drunk who yells at school kids to get off his lawn. Nothing pleasant about his crappy voice.
Umm, one small problem. The Millenium Prayer isn’t a Christmas song. There isn’t a single reference to Christmas or even anything that remotely suggests Christmas. (Unless you’re still counting New Year’s Eve as Christmas, which would suggest to me you have the calendar skills of a software developer before 2000.)
All right, so that was the small problem. The big one was the inclusion of Bruce, Pumpkins, and Band Aid. Hurt your knee much with that jerking reaction? Why didn’t you just complete the sacrilege by adding Elvis and Phil Spector?
What a wasted opportunity to blast real sappers of the will to live like the Cher and Rosie O’Donnell version of “Christmas Baby Please Come Home!”
Hey, otherwise, good job!
I don’t know….any list of “worst” Christmas songs that doesn’t include “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” and/or the rendition of “Jingle Bells” by the Barking Dogs is clearly deficient.
A few years ago, I coudn’t take another ‘rum-a-pum-pum’ betwixt all the Church Sex Scandals soooooooooo I created this wee parody – “The Little Bummer Boy.”
http://www.soundlift.com/band/music.php?song_id=82930
What about Gory Bateson’s “Merry X-Mas, Baby”?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJA5MJoSTm4
Wow…what a horrible list.
What kind of list do you expect from a Jewish guy…sounds like you’re just bitter that Christmas kicks ass.
Look up “Christmas In The Northwest”. Make sure you grab a bucket to hurl into, first.
I love Madonna’s “Christmas Baby”!!!!!
My worst~ “Felis Navidad” (Anyone), “So This Is Christmas” (Lennon?), and “Drummer Boy” (David Bowie)…..
Oh, and that horrible diddy by Elton John.
How could you say christmas shoes is a bad song it is my favorite christmas song
“Last Christmas” is the Nadir of Christmas songs. What’s worse is the recent plethora of cover versions that are worse than Wham’s, particularly Ashley Tilsdale’s unctious, affected, candy-coated, over-emotive, autotune’d to death swipe at it!!! WRETCH!!!!
Actually I think Cliff Richard has produced the best Christmas songs we’ve heard in a long time, including Millenium Prayer which I don’t see as a true Christmas song anyway – it was just number one in December ! And in any case, it’s a bit predictable/obvious to place 2 of his songs in this ‘Top 20′ – might as well say ‘if in doubt, chuck in a Cliff Christmas somg or two’ !!! But of course, this is just my opinion!
Don’t be such a miserable bastard, it’s Christmas!
Christmas shoes, ah yes, I hear it & want to commit some horrible mayhem on the roach who wrote that tripe. I like some or even many Christmas carols but, come on, this is supposed to be the “Most Wonderful Time of the Year” so sorry about your luck, Mom, but the rest of us want to enjoy the holiday season. I think I will listen to that song again & then take my own life in the most disgusting way possible; or maybe I’ll just have a glass of Bailey’s & listen to a more pleasant version of Frosty the freeking snow guy.
http://youtu.be/YkNDraXuRcI
A truly terrible Christmas song… In fact… Its shit!
The Goodies – “Father Christmas Do Not Touch Me” – bet you can’t watch the whole thing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hC3AphnJLbE
Whoa, what about Corey Hart’s “Rudolf the Rednose Reindeer” ? I believe that it is number two, surpassed only by “Christmas Shoes”.
Have you heard Hillary Duff’s version of “Wonderful Christmastime” truly HORRID Including that cheesy celeste solo in the beginning with that little girl singing REAL BAD!! But I highly agree on Jimmy Boyd agonizing “screechfest” on “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus” and the “Christmas Shoes” WORST. SONG. EVER!!!!! I mean who in FUCKING HELL want to hear a depressing song like that during this joyous Season???