And now for some news that strikes a blow against the Catholic Church, decent haircuts and people who like to read and watch things that aren't a load of guff-brained arse – The Da Vinci Code is top of the US weekend box office.
Even though every single person who has seen The Da Vinci Code movie – apart from the cack-headed reviewers who didn't want to waste the snappy "You'll Louvre it!" they had already thought up before they reviewed it – absolutely hated it, millions of Da Vinci Code fans all barged into cinemas across America shouting "I see book. Book say Jesus fuck whore! JESUS AM LIAR!". And now The Da Vinci Code is number one in the US weekend box office, taking $77 million.
This isn't unexpected news, of course – from the moment that it was announced that Tom Hanks was growing his hair and practising shouting basic theology while running down a street in preparation for filming, we all knew that eventually The Da Vinci Code would be at the top of the US weekend box office. And we'd wager that The Da Vinci Code will stay at the top of the US weekend box office for a few weeks to come – after all, if The Da Vinci Code can somehow manage to convince 40 million slow-witted simpletons that it's a work of truth and not a piece or airport fiction, it can easily take more money than a rubbish film about a funny car. Here's the US weekend box office top five:
1 – The Da Vinci Code (So, The Da Vinci Code ends with the revelation that the girl from Amelie is somehow related to Jesus. Which means that Jesus must have genetically been one helluva sexy monkey, in a gamine kinda way) $77,000,000
2 – Over The Hedge (Proving that The Da Vinci Code wasn't the only intellectualish movie in the weekend box office, here's a film about some cheeky woodland animals trying to steal some food from a fridge) $37,228,000
3 – Mission: Impossible III (It's thought that Silas from The Da Vinci Code started all his self-flagellation because, like us, he recently went to see Mission: Impossible III and, like us, he actually found himself really enjoying every second of it. And then, like us, felt ever so dirty for admitting it in public) $11,015,000
4 – Poseidon (Poseidon and The Da Vinci Code also have a lot in common really, because… um… because… we've got one – because Tom Hanks looks as if he got his freakish Da Vinci Code haircut from trying to climb out of a sinking cruise liner. Yeah, that'll do) $9,200,000
5 – RV (And, like the Da Vinci Code, RV is rubbish) $5,100,000
[story by Stuart Heritage]