The Crystal Maze Set To Return (Yay) With Amanda Holden (Boo)

Crystal Maze, Amanda Holden Richard O'BrienBefore the invention of videogames or the internet, people actually had to rely on the TV for entertainment.

What an odd thing to imagine. Especially given the thought that writers and producers needed to think of intelligent content that contained a realistic plot. Not just eleven morons stuck inside a house full of cameras.

In the early nineties, one of the most entertaining programmes on the tellybox came courtesy of Channel 4. And it wasn?t Eurotrash, even though the sight of multiple Europeans getting their bits out made for amusing viewing. The dog?s bollocks of TV was none other than The Crystal Maze. Presented by wacky uncle figure Richard O’Brien it combined all sorts of crazy challenges. When it stopped, part of us died. Only repeats have gotten us through this though time. But nearly 15 years on, plans have been put in place to bring it back! But with the most unadventurous host possible.

The original Crystal Maze saw a team of nerdy-looking people who?d venture through various themed zones in order to win crystals. With their collective booty, they?d then hotfoot it to the magical Crystal Dome which – the real life equivalent of Narnia – to try and win exciting prizes such as windsurfing lessons and hoovers. If they made a mess of the opportunity, then a shiny commemorative crystal would be a rubbish substitute prize.

Four zones were present when the programme first started. Aztec, medieval, futuristic and industrial. Then after someone left the taps on, industrial changed to the rubbish Ocean zone. The four zones were divided into separate categories including mental, physical, skill and mystery. From blowing the crap out of statues and rearranging puzzles, the show had it all – sometimes to the point where you realised that calling the contestants ‘moronic fuckwits’ wouldn?t help them get a crystal.

To put it mildly, the show came to an abrupt end when Richard O’Brien decided enough was enough and moved on, killing the sparkle in the process. He was of course replaced with the equally bonkers Ed Tudor-Pole. Yes, he was mental as but he seemed to have a habit of shouting out random crap that made no sense. Soon, the show was axed due to poor ratings and a supposed tired format. Utter tosh we tell you.

Pretty much nothing has equalled the brilliantness of the original. Anyone who thinks X Factor and Top Gear are amazing needs to clean out the peanuts that are lodged in their brains. What the show needs to make a modern-day audience pay attention is a total overhaul of the zones and an exciting dynamic presenter who is quick witted and loved. But Amanda Holden was given the green light. This upsets us. Digital Spy reports:

A source said: “ITV are huge fans of Amanda and are looking at a number of different gameshow concepts, but this is certainly the one they are excited about. They are spending a lot of money and hope it will surpass – and blow away – the old Crystal Maze.”

Will one of the games consist of a contestant injecting as much botox into their face in under three minutes? Not only will they receive a lovely numb feeling, but crap patronising comments from Amanda Holden who?ll try and use a buzzer to remind us of Britain?s Got Talent.

“It is also thought that celebrity contestants will tackle the difficult puzzles and physical challenges rather than members of the public.”

You know the calibre of ‘celebrity’ will be as amazing as the ones that appear on Come Dine With Me and Family Fortunes. If we paid a license fee for ITV, we?d demand our money back.

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  1. says

    We didn’t struggle when you bent us over (BGT). We bit our lip at the insults you whispered into our ear (X-Factor). We went our happy place when you invited your friend along to watch (Piers Morgan’s Life Stories).

    But this, ITV, was the moment where you started biting the back of our head.

  2. Chris says

    Amanda Holden is a self indulgent annoying bitch and not suited to the programme I can’t see it being as good, remakes never are – just look at the Krypton FActor.

  3. Nick says

    Glad that Crystal Maze will be returning but I see 2 problems with this.

    1. AMANDA FUCKING HOLDEN!!!!! Why her of all people?!? Couldn’t they get someone wacky and fun instead???

    2. Celebrities will be taking part in the show not the public!!! You need the public to play, for a start it will lessen obesity in the UK. And you get more entertainment watching the public having a go rather than the retarded celebraties!!!!

    If they finally decide to let the public do it i will gladly enrole on the show straight away

  4. says

    hi all ive just started a FB page about bringing back THE CRYSTAL MAZE..a lot of talk so far but i see no action..please clicl the ilike button on this page
    i will lobby the people in charge to do more…i would like to see on a new show..not just groups of people who look like they have never about familys ,friends ,a childrens version of the crystal maze even a celebrity version where they win prizes for thier own charities…not just indoors but some out door events as the right hands could be a very big game show..even an oline game with prizes…call it RACE TO THE CRYSTAL DOME..what do you all think..
    phil white

  5. Richard says

    phil, good work so far, it cost a lot so presumably the set is still around somewhere? might be a bit ratty by now though…
    the original show had an edge to it that probably came from the contestants being ‘thrown together’, with the more sucessful teams you could just see them coming together through the different challenges, made great tv, you could lose it if they’re over familiar with each other…or if they’re a team of air headed celebs, might have to vet those guys for intelligence lol.
    equally you’d lose it with amanda holden presenting, in absence of rick himself (if only!) maybe someone like robert llewellyn…he’s just no where near as cool as rick tho!

  6. Harri says

    I dont think it is where it once was since it used to be in a hanger in a small private airfield near where i grew up, my brothers got to go around it once and play some of the games though :)

  7. FerbilGerbil says

    The set was dismantled in 1999, and parts recycled into new gameshows :(

    Rather have Noel fielding (ITV #3 chice) or Russel Brand (#2) than Amanda (im not a chav whore) holden…

  8. alex orton says

    @FerbilGerbil Russel Brand yes!!

    yes do please bring back The Crystal Maze i loved watching this when younger, always wanted to go on it, but the revamp im not sure will be as good, it should be renewed but not changed, we all remember all the games, and think it should be kept the same (although it cant be due to it being dismantled if they remember some games bring them back indeed ) change can be good but not always. this way it has to be changed or made harder, but cant wait to see those new games, or old :)