Before the invention of videogames or the internet, people actually had to rely on the TV for entertainment.
What an odd thing to imagine. Especially given the thought that writers and producers needed to think of intelligent content that contained a realistic plot. Not just eleven morons stuck inside a house full of cameras.
In the early nineties, one of the most entertaining programmes on the tellybox came courtesy of Channel 4. And it wasn’t Eurotrash, even though the sight of multiple Europeans getting their bits out made for amusing viewing. The dog’s bollocks of TV was none other than The Crystal Maze. Presented by wacky uncle figure Richard O’Brien it combined all sorts of crazy challenges. When it stopped, part of us died. Only repeats have gotten us through this though time. But nearly 15 years on, plans have been put in place to bring it back! But with the most unadventurous host possible.
The original Crystal Maze saw a team of nerdy-looking people who’d venture through various themed zones in order to win crystals. With their collective booty, they’d then hotfoot it to the magical Crystal Dome which – the real life equivalent of Narnia – to try and win exciting prizes such as windsurfing lessons and hoovers. If they made a mess of the opportunity, then a shiny commemorative crystal would be a rubbish substitute prize.
Four zones were present when the programme first started. Aztec, medieval, futuristic and industrial. Then after someone left the taps on, industrial changed to the rubbish Ocean zone. The four zones were divided into separate categories including mental, physical, skill and mystery. From blowing the crap out of statues and rearranging puzzles, the show had it all – sometimes to the point where you realised that calling the contestants ‘moronic fuckwits’ wouldn’t help them get a crystal.
To put it mildly, the show came to an abrupt end when Richard O’Brien decided enough was enough and moved on, killing the sparkle in the process. He was of course replaced with the equally bonkers Ed Tudor-Pole. Yes, he was mental as but he seemed to have a habit of shouting out random crap that made no sense. Soon, the show was axed due to poor ratings and a supposed tired format. Utter tosh we tell you.
Pretty much nothing has equalled the brilliantness of the original. Anyone who thinks X Factor and Top Gear are amazing needs to clean out the peanuts that are lodged in their brains. What the show needs to make a modern-day audience pay attention is a total overhaul of the zones and an exciting dynamic presenter who is quick witted and loved. But Amanda Holden was given the green light. This upsets us. Digital Spy reports:
A source said: “ITV are huge fans of Amanda and are looking at a number of different gameshow concepts, but this is certainly the one they are excited about. They are spending a lot of money and hope it will surpass – and blow away – the old Crystal Maze.”
Will one of the games consist of a contestant injecting as much botox into their face in under three minutes? Not only will they receive a lovely numb feeling, but crap patronising comments from Amanda Holden who’ll try and use a buzzer to remind us of Britain’s Got Talent.
“It is also thought that celebrity contestants will tackle the difficult puzzles and physical challenges rather than members of the public.”
You know the calibre of ‘celebrity’ will be as amazing as the ones that appear on Come Dine With Me and Family Fortunes. If we paid a license fee for ITV, we’d demand our money back.