As you have probably heard via pervasive cable news alerts and emergency sirens, Miley Cyrus has cut her hair.
Actually, let me rephrase that with a more appropriate tone: OMFG MILEY CYRUS HAS CUT HER HAIR AND HOW WILL LIFE EVER BE THE SAME AFTER THIS SOMEONE HAND ME MY CYANIDE TABLETS!!1!!!111!!
What? I’m only following suit with how the rest of the Internet lost their damn minds over what amounts to a girl getting a (really, really questionable) haircut. Granted, it’s a pretty big change from how we’re used to seeing Miley, but before you seal yourself into your panic room and break into the emergency rations, allow me to remind you of the jarring celebrity haircuts that we’ve weathered in the past. So sit down, take a deep breath, and join me in a tour of famous hairdon’ts of yesteryear, as we heal together with the timeless reassurance of the Bad Hair Mantra: IT WILL GROW BACK.
- Julia Roberts Cuts Her Famous Long Tresses. Oh, man. Do you guys remember this? I was pretty young(-ish) when this happened, but I had seen Pretty Woman (thank you, Friend’s Mom Who Rented Us Any Movie We Wanted From The Video Store Without Ever Checking The Rating) and understood that Julia Roberts and her hair were IT when it came to the beauty standards of the time. And then she got cast as Tinkerbell in the Peter Pan-themed Hook and traded her signature auburn locks for a short, layered cut. There was shock/outcry/rending of garments, etc., as countless thousands of young women marched to the salon and demanded that their stylists give them the same weird Mom hair. The birth rate dropped dramatically across the world.
- George Clooney’s Horrible Gladiator-Inspired Caesar Cut. Back in 2000 when Gladiator hit movie theaters worldwide, every guy wanted to be Russell Crowe. They mostly just ended up with his hair.?
This fad was made worse after George Clooney jumped on the forward-combed bandwagon. Take a look:
Well, I guess it’s slightly better than some of his other styles…
- Christina Aguilera Becomes Medusa. Hoo boy — truth be told, I could do an entire post dedicated to celebrities making terrible choices involving braids, because there have been many. I decided to make an example out of Christina, though, because she managed to make her braids look like actual snakes.
- Tommy Lee Follows Suit.?I kind of feel like I’m cheating here, because…well, when was the last time Tommy Lee made a?good?decision? This is kind of like shooting fish in a barrel.
- Katherine Heigl’s Big Hair Obsession.?This one makes me legitimately angry, because I think Katherine Heigl is so pretty, and yet she’s always HIDING IT behind hideous dresses and even hideous-er hair. Her red carpet looks always make her look about ten years older than she actually is, and I have to continually resist the urge to ask her for a ride to the mall.
- Scarlett Johannsson Channels Carol Brady. Just when you think there is no way Scarlett Johannsson can lessen her hotness, she decides to experiment with her Wessonality.
- Avril Lavigne Does…Something. Everyone’s favorite rebellious
teenager27-year-old divorc?e recently decided to give her hair the middle finger. I really don’t know what to call this particular cut, so I’ll show you the photo evidence and you can decide for yourself. Here’s Avril:
Oh, wait. My mistake. Here’s Avril:
Well, that’s about as much horrendous hair as I can handle in one day. So what do you think? Who did I miss? Call out your favorite celebrity hair disasters in the comments!
*Full disclosure and all snark aside: I think Miley is a cute girl no matter what–she could shave her head and wear a hat made out of honey badgers and still look better than I do on my best day–and I join her in giving exactly zero fucks in what the world thinks about her new haircut. I mean, at least it’s not a mullet, right?