No idea what we’ll all do when this show is over. No Dragons Den, no Apprentice, at this rate will be forced to give Ray Mears survives in Sidcup or wherever a shot.

Tonight, 9.00 PM on BBC2 is the final, where Sir Alan Sugar will announce his £100,000 Amstrad apprentice in front of a live studio audience (just like on Cheers).

Then at 10.00 PM the twelve rejected candidates chat with Working Lunch’s Adrian Chiles about why they believe they missed the grade, the lessons they’ve learnt, and if any of them actually got their old jobs back. Expect to hear Paul saying he’s Italian, Sebastian saying nothing, and Adele looking like a moody sixth-former.

Alan Sugar’s been pretty quiet concerning who’ll scoop the grand prize, but the now increasingly media friendly tycoon did have this to say about the final two.

On Saira Khan, 34, mouth like Blackwall Tunnel:

"Not an easy character but she’s a decent girl – there’s something very powerful about her."

Yes, Sir Alan, her vocal cords.

On Tim Campbell, 27, guaranteed mum’s favourite:

"Tim is like a Ferrari without petrol. He is an empty template and I can mould him."

To us that sounds like Tim’s a shoe-in, but who knows what ticks away inside a rich man’s head?

Tonight’s final task involves Saria and Tim organising a posh boat party, each getting an opportunity to rehire some of the ousted candidates. This’ll hopefully tread water for no more than half an hour or so before getting onto what we’ve really all tuned in for, the winner.

The BBC has already commissioned a second series of The Apprentice. No news on whether or not Sugar will be back on board. Judging by the state of Amstrad’s share price since the show aired it seems he might have bigger fish to fry.

“You’re laid off” will never catch on either. It barely rhymes with anything for a start.

Buy The Apprentice book and understand why bearded men are always minted.

[story by Chris Laverty]