THE APPRENTICE or THE NOVICE?

The Talkback production for the BBC called “The Apprentice” is now on our television screens, serving up the UK version of the American hit Donald Trump show. Once again a national re-creation of a popular US program has been attempted. It is no Dragon’s Den, and here’s why…

Sir Alan Sugar is the host of the show and suitably bronzed by what might be an overly orange fake tan. Gone down the David ‘Ockshon’ Dickinson route… smart move.

Sugar attempts to play the entrepreneurial hard ass, a la Donald Trump. He fires the contestants, who aren’t cut out to be the best in whatever task they were given. The English version has a team of men and a team of women, competing against each other in order to out sell and win by gaining the most profits.

A warning goes out to the whole nation, for if these men and women are the elite of the country, then we shall all prepare for the great depression or contemplate a conjoined mass suicide.

Would any Real entrepreneur be seen dead on this sort of show? Do they get the chance to be entrepreneurs at the end, or is it to work with Sugar, ie are they being interviewed for a job? hecklerspray was too freaked out by the contestants to work this out…

The team of women are, well… where do we start? Re-arrange the following words: backstabbing, bitches, biggest, bunch, of, country, in, the. Believing that whoever talks the most will be spared, “No listen, just listen to me, do what I say!”.

The women are dressed in their cheap-looking suits, which reminds hecklerspray of a BHS 75%-off sale. Alternatively, they can stun viewers in their day-wear, which leaves little to the imagination (the only things you can possibly think are: dole payments, overweight, housewife and SUPERKINGS). Ouch.

The male team include a bunch of sad-looking men, apparently still studying, despite the fact that they are well over 50. Come on, buddy, spare us the MATURE STUDENT CRAP. Are you going to tell me that a man with glasses and a cowboy hat, who is a student at almost the age of 50, will be some sort of potential success story. What is this, exactly? And who will hire you? JR Ewing?

This show beggars belief and must go down as a complete stinker in television entertainment.

What about Sir Alan Sugar’s two aides in the programme? Are they secretly his grandparents?

We will never know, but one thing is for sure: labelling a bunch of old oddball nobodies as the elite contestants in a TV programme, will only spawn outrage from the viewing public.

The advice to the contestants is: “don’t give up your day job”.

The advice to the general viewing public is: "sack this off and wait for the re-runs or next series of Dragon’s Den".