Despite the fact that it’s only been a scant few months since The Good Lord clamped the FinanceBot 3000 Stella to his ample Amstrad man-bosom, he’s off on the hunt for a new Apprentice. Another one? What is he, Fagin? Lord Sugar goes through more nubile young business flesh than the lead sword in Slutty Secretary VII.
And if there’s one thing we’ve learned from the many, many years that The Good Lord has been teaching us about business, it’s that to do well in the dog-eat-blaady-dog world of modern commerce, you have to know how to flog a real load of old toot from a market stall in Epping even when it’s drenched with the stink of desperation and Diesel For Men.
Oh, and that first impressions count, which is why we here at hecklerspray have put on our best George at Asda pencil skirts – even the women – and are all ready to judge this year’s yappity-twats before they’ve even opened their mouths to let the bullshit pour freely, just from their press pack quotes and bizarrely-filtered headshots.
Seriously, why do they all look like they’ve fallen out of a nightmarish Renaissance oil painting, fresh from stabbing an angel or something? Who can tell. Bring on the balls!
Alex Britez Cabral
He says: “Fear is a great motivator. If you are successful, you are unpopular, so unpopularity is a good thing.”
We say: Unpopular? He would know. He’s an estate agent in London, so even his mother would probably nod serenly and look away if he were bundled into a bin-liner with a breezeblock and flung into the Thames Estuary.
She says: “Weak people in business are a waste of space and a limp handshake is unforgiveable.”
We say: Harsh words from business psychologist Edna there. After she leaves the show with her head under a cloud after a controversial incident involving a terrified inventor of an inflatable cot spending several hours in Casualty nursing four shattered knuckles, why not sign up for her self-help workshop: “OK So Pol Pot Slaughtered Millions But At Least He Had A Firm Grip”!
He says: “I’m the wheeler dealer who accidentally became a finance professional and wants out.”
We say: Yeah, yeah. You just tripped and fell onto that upturned accountancy qualification. That’s how it got right up there.
She says: “I don’t like lazy people… dole dossers that don’t want to work. I don’t like posh kids who have everything on a plate.”
We say: We don’t like to make predictions, but the likelihood of Ellie not ending the competition victorious with a perky new necklace made of 16 candidate testicles, before going on to have a Prisoner Cell Block H-style rumble with 2006 almost-winner The Badger in the Amstrad car park, are very, very, very slim indeed.
She says: “Lord Sugar will probably find it difficult to ever say anything negative to me because I always turn it round to a positive.”
We say: Most likely to prompt the eye-rolling of the century when telling Nick Hewer to “turn that frown upside-down”. Felicity will dissolve into a sea of tears and smeared mascara the moment The Good Lord even draws breath in her direction. And she’s young and pretty. Let’s watch her destruction with glee! (We are not nice people. But you knew that)
He says: “I want to be a big name in UK business… I’m everything. I’m all mouth. I’m a doer. I’m a leader.”
We say: He plays his music in the su-u-u-un. Also, he just admitted in his pre-prepared statement to the press that he is “all mouth” so all that joking, smoking and midnight toking has clearly emptied his brain of any useful synapses. Hope he finds his trousers at some point.
He says: “Aggression isn’t the best form of strength… I bring a marriage of technical thinking with a bit of salesman bravado.”
We say: A noble thought, Glenn, but there’s no room in the boardroom for nerdy-nerd-nerds. Expect the bigger boys to give you daily wet willies and your nightly ritual to be rending the Islington night asunder with your racking sobs.
Helen Louise Milligan
She says: “I see my job as my complete life. I work 24/7. There isn’t a cut off.”
We say: This praying mantis in a human skin suit is the PA to the chief executive of Greggs! Can’t love your job that much if you’ve never even had a sniff of an 89p sausage roll, sweetheart! hecklerspray predicts: she’ll talk the big talk during the inevitable making and selling junk food task, but will be seen dry heaving in the corner of the burger factory before mysteriously disappearing from the whole show.
He says: “I’m not a show pony or a one-trick pony, I’m not a jack-ass or a stubborn mule, and I’m definitely not a wild stallion that needs to be tamed. I am the champion thoroughbred that this process requires.”
We say: Oh, Stuart “Field Of Ponies” Baggs, you have got a lot to answer for. You have released this horsey beast into the process, and he has got a different animal metaphor for each week he will be in the bottom three, and he will finally be fired when he screams at The Good Lord “I’m not a tortoise, I’m a porpoise, a porpoise with purpose!”
He says: “I don’t like your gimmicky salesman who thinks he can sell ice to an Eskimo. Chances are he probably can’t, and why would an Eskimo buy ice?”
We say: But…no, wait, Leon, listen. Leon! Leon, come back here and listen. That’s the point of that saying. Eskimos wouldn’t buy ice. That’s what makes people good sales… Leon? Leon! Take your headphones out. I said, that’s what makes… Oh, never mind. You’ll not get past week 2.
She says: “Don’t tell me the sky’s the limit when there are footprints on the moon.”
We say: BUZZZZ! Is it “things you nicked out of Business Aphroisms For Dummies which make you sound like you’re quoting Tamsin Archer lyrics?” Congratulations, Melody! You win exactly no kudos or respect from anyone involved in any kind of serious business. You’ll go far on this showpiece for a shower of dingoes, then.
She says: “I’m like a really fine tuned switch. If I need to turn it down then I turn it down. If I need to turn it up then I turn it up.”
We say: The nation demands to know: what do you do when you’re popping bottles in the club, Natasha? What do you do when the beat drops, Natasha? Why are you talking like you’re the featured rapper on an Alexis Jordan album track, Natasha?
She says: “I’m short, sweet and smiley but when I do business, I mean business.”
We say: Odd statement. We’re sort of frightened, but sort of aroused. Kind of like when we had that dream about Karren Brady running one of the tasks from her lap-dancing club, but when the lap-dancer came on to do a demonstration, it was Kelly Brook with our mum’s face.
He says: “For me the Apprentice is a bit like the Olympics or the World Cup for entrepreneurs… I want to challenge myself, find out if I am ready to step up to this level.”
We say: We know that’s you, Michael Sheen. Probably researching your inevitable role in the Sugar biopic, you crazy acting loon. We can still see the stigmata scars from the Port Talbert crucifixion, love. Don’t make us chase you out with the broom again.
He says: “My positive approach and very good looks make me stand out from the crowd.”
We say: Vahn-sant! Oh, Vahn-sant! We can hardly tear ourselves away from your rapturous beauty! That delicate soulpatch! Those Farrah Fawcett hair flicks! It almost completely distracted us from the fact that you’re most likely a collosal cocktip!
She says: “I will do whatever it takes to win.”
We say: We’re totally bored of you already. All of you. It’s the same old self-aggrandising bollocks that we pour scorn on beforehand, but come next week when that big old timpani booms and The Good Lord starts on about his Timid Tinas and Shuddering Shauns, we’ll be all over The Apprentice again like a tramp on chips. For shame.
GLENN TO WIN!