The A-Z of action movies: The inevitable and the alternative

The inevitable - C for Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris in Song

Long ago when men wore beards,
And liked to fight and fuck,
There was a man, above all men,
And that man’s name was Chuck.

Whether in the Colosseum,
Fighting with Bruce Lee,
Or smacking down his woman,
For not making him his tea.

He always fought with honour,
He moved with style and grace,
He’d stalk you like a tiger,
With a ferret on its face.

In his kung-fu heyday,
He took on one and all,
And always he would beat them,
Despite being quite small.

Now he’s going grey,
He’s got a little older,
He’d rather talk of art and stuff,
Than dislocate your shoulder

There was a time when Norris,
Was synonymous with danger,
But now he’s gone a little crap,
See Walker, Texas Ranger

Chuck Norris in bullet points

1 – He had a beard.
2 – He was Professional World Middleweight
Karate Champion for six years, and was widely regarded in kicking and
punching circles as the best martial artist of his time.
3 – Even better than Bruce Lee.
4 – He never really hit his woman for not making him tea.
5 – But he did kick her head clean off her shoulders for forgetting to starch his dress shirt in the long hot Summer of ‘79.

The alternative – C for Cynthia Rothrock

Since time eternal the female has been regarded as the weaker of
sexes. They can’t really throw tennis balls properly for a start.
They certainly can’t catch them, preferring instead to clap like a
retard.

They can’t run without waving their arms around like they’re
swimming. They can’t reverse park. They can’t navigate – in truth few
of them know their left from their right. They can’t get through a
month without misery or drama. Their brains can’t handle long
division. They smell.

This, of course isn’t the view of hecklerspray.
Heaven forbid. We love chicks - they’re great. This was, in fact, the
widely perceived view prior to circa 1990. It’s commonly thought that
equality for the female of the species was brought about when Emmeline
Pankhurst threw herself under the hooves of a surprised horse. She may
have made a dent in the male dominance of society but it was someone
else who truly levelled the playing field.

Long before Hilary Swank threw on a pair of pyjamas and ruined a
perfectly good franchise in The Next Karate Kid, and certainly long
before Michele Yeoh started crouching on tigers and hiding dragons, one
woman fought, quite literally, for the rights of chicks everywhere.

Cynthia Rothrock starred in a number of low budget Eastern
actioners, including such instant classics as Mo Fei Cui, Foo Gwai Lit Che, and Zhi Fa Xian Feng (you know – Zhi Fa Xian Feng – what do you mean you haven’t heard of it?), before hitting the relative big time with China O’Brien in 1990.

As always, plot is irrelevant, but in a nutshell she’s a big city cop
who returns to her small home town. Her father - the sheriff - gets
himself perished, so she takes his job before the dust even settles on
his grave (heartless, opportunistic wench). She then exacts revenge
with her delicate yet deadly limbs.

Unfortunately for Rothrock fans - assuming there were some - she
faded away after a few short years in the limelight. Her star shone
brightest in the early Nineties with the likes Martial Law 1 and 2, Rage and Honour 1 and 2, and China O’Brien 1 and 2. And Lady
Dragon 1. And 2. She did like her sequels.

However she hasn’t faded into complete obscurity. She was last seen
in 2004 blockbuster Sci Fighter starring as Sally/The White Dragon
opposite none other than Don “The Dragon” Wilson.  Now he really likes his sequels, and conveniently his name begins with D.  Tune in next week.

[story by Matt Cook]