Acting is a difficult job if you make it one. I’m not trying to insult the art of pretending to be something else, but the list below makes me wonder if every talent show I participated in, or, in some cases, every apology I’ve ever issued, was worth the time.
At a certain point in your career, one has to wonder What is it all for? These actors asked themselves that and immediately were told by Hitler’s ghost to continue the mission. The following people take acting and beat it into an unrecognizable pulp.
Think about this: the next time you walk into a convenience store, you can be comfortable in knowing that Katt Williams has been there and has attempted to either steal something, harm an employee, or both. For the spiritual among us, it lets you know that all things are connected.
For the people hoping that black people don’t get stereotyped anymore as primarily thuggish, Katt Williams is the antichrist. Katt Williams contributes less to his race than a white man in blackface asking if NAACP rhymes with KFC. When police get called to arrest him, they call in Code: Jokes About Pimpin’ Pimpin’ and immediately let him free. Katt Williams escapes custody like a damn comic book villain.
Katt Williams hasn’t been in a single film this year, if you don’t count his stand up special Kattpacalypse, a name invented when Katt Williams asked a child what the stupidest name he could think of was that had something to do with Katt Williams.
However, the child never completed this task and died trying to rack his brain in thinking of a stupider title for a Katt Williams special than simply Katt Williams. Katt saw the corpse and laughed. “It’s like a Kattpacalypse in hurrr!” he cried to the heavens. “What’s the pimp in the pimp cup, pimpin’?!”
Cast of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2
A lot has been said about the non-apparent acting ability of the cast of the Twilight series. They’re worse at their jobs than the guy who decides how many wall outlets a Barnes & Noble Starbucks should have. If you can go to school for that kind of talent, then someone needs to check the records to determine the exact date that the faculty died, and then properly rehabilitate Kristen Stewart into normal, theatrical society.
The final film, Breaking Dawn Part 2, was a great science experiment in putting most of the cast of the franchise together into a single film and seeing how long it would take for the camera equipment to realize the lack of morality in it all and shut off.
I honestly don’t know what the formula is that made Katherine Heigl so remarkably unappealing. Maybe it was her snobbish personality combined with her penchant for picking roles that best showcase her abilities to act snobbishly. All I know now is that snakes try not to step on her and that that every time Katherine walks into a graveyard, her parents get a call about how relaxing the Bed and Breakfast is for their daughter.
Katherine was in two films in 2012: One for the Money, in which she “played” a bail enforcement agent, because there’s nothing funnier than a screeching harpy flopping her way through action scenes in the most not action way possible, and the yet to be released The Big Wedding, which is kind of obvious. At this point, if the movie is about a wedding, Katherine Heigl is probably going to be in it.
She has a contract clause written in the blood of a lamb that says that she must appear in any poor romantic comedy released during the forever. Screenwriters were notified for this, and every line originally written for a character named “Dracula” are immediately switched to Heigl’s character’s name.
In a year that saw the release of both a Madea film and a movie featuring Perry’s first attempts at being an action hero, the one where he dressed up as a giant woman-thing was the better of the two performances. I’m not saying that Madea is a well-acted character. She looks like the Ghost of Racist Future and hearing her voice suddenly is the only time that I ever worry about an impending Velociraptor attack.
But Alex Cross was much worse, a casting choice that makes you wonder why the director didn’t suddenly close the whole set and anxiously ask the caterer if he’d ever considered branching out. Perry plays Cross with all the ineptitude of a cat learning how to open a bank vault. It certainly comes across as a job that he at least attempted to get done with some sort of heart, but from the way he moves and reacts to things, you wonder what producer had a gun pointed at him from off screen, asking him to sabotage any line and movement that he could.
Perry is awkward in the role, and part of this can be attributed to this being his first go-round as an action star. But most of it can be attributed to the fact that Perry looks to have about as much adventurous spirit and intensity as a Garfield panel. Tyler Perry is an unstoppable force and the momentum of the film’s plot is an immovable object. The two things crashed into each other with remarkable force, creating a mushroom cloud of mistakes and forced emotions.
Everyone Who Acted Like They Were Too Cool To See Dredd
You’re not. Dredd 3D was one of the best action films of the past decade and if you thought you were too cool to see it, I hope you enjoy your arguments about why print publishing is better than e-publishing and why you only drink local brews. You don’t know how to enjoy the most entertaining things in the world, because you’re too afraid to look like a hypocrite when you’re “pleasantly surprised” and actually enjoy something.
I wasn’t “pleasantly surprised” by Dredd 3D because I try my best to go into movies withholding whatever ironic feelings I might have. I was “really fucking surprised” by Dredd because I expected awesome and got a legitimately good action flick, along with all the awesome that came with it. So, if you think you were too cool to see Dredd because you heard something on the internet about Sylvester Stallone one time, I hate you. You’re why good things don’t happen. And you’re a terrible actor.