I love Breaking Bad, and I consider it to be a near perfect show. But do you know what would make it even more near perfecter? If, out of nowhere, two characters who wouldn't usually have sex just started doin? it.
Oh, hello, internet. I see you've been way ahead of me.
Cantankerous bodyguard Mike is usually prepared for anything. But was he prepared?for love?
Love is what hit him when Gustavo Fring hired a cute janitor named Anna to work for Walt and Jesse in his lab. In a display of Breaking Bad knowledge that can only come from not having ever watched the show before, Mike falls head over heels for Anna, and almost immediately breaks character. You spend the whole story waiting for the actual Mike to show up and say ?That's the guy who tied me up! My lame-ass twin brother! Did you not see his moustache??
The shining point of the entire story is when Mike makes out with Anna, and then stops, fearing that he's forcing her into it. Now that the passion is dead, Mike settles his emotions by going home and throwing a temper tantrum. He breaks items in his house, stutters angrily to himself and doesn't pick up when his boss calls him eight times in a row. He sobs and cries as ?tears dropped from his eye lids onto the carpet,? which is the way you'd describe crying if you'd just seen one of those strange earth humans sad for the first time.
Then Gus tells him that he can't see Anna anymore. Usually, Gus plays the emotionless, logical taskmaster, but here, he's just kind of a jerk father to Mike. Mike and Anna prove that the meth kingpin just doesn't understand the ways of the heart when they go to his house and make out in front of him. Take that, Gus. The movies end at nine, but who knows when we?ll be home!
Jesse?s advice to Mike is to propose to her. Mike says that it hasn't been long enough and we get the most awkwardly written scene in the history of Scenes That Should Never Happen. The intended affect is humor, but when you're writing Breaking Bad fan fiction, the funniest thing you\’ll encounter is your computer refusing to save your work because it has too much dignity. Jesse even inserts a ?Yo? into one of his sentences, which is like murdering your wife and then calling your son ?Champ.?
This remains unfinished, but the idea behind the shy meth cook and the silent henchman is funny enough to create page after page of stupidity in the mind of anyone who even hears of it. They?re such minor characters that you might as well create a pairing of one of the laundry attendants and a gas station clerk whose scene was cut from the episode.
There isn't an immediate attraction between Gale and Victor. They start off with an uneasy, purely business relationship. I can only imagine what this would blossom into. This pairing is the equivalent of a child making two action figures fight by crashing them into each other, which is how most fan fiction pairings work. The story and themes of the original material are ignored completely. What matters are the two things being rushed together until one thing fits into the other thing. It's a violent, unnatural process.
My favorite part of this pairing is the author, who says that the pairing didn't exist before, and that, now that it does, the readers can ?Deal.? You tell ?em, author. The only people looking up Breaking Bad fan fiction are people who are completely fine with this and me. I'm sure they?ll be okay with this one. To make someone who reads Breaking Bad fan fiction mad, you'd have to hide the pig corpse that they?d been putting make up on, and leave a map using only hints from a CSI episode.
Gale is usually a passive character, so if someone wants to have sex with him on the internet, it's going to happen. That's why he's in two of these four pairings. He was only in seven episodes of the show, but you don't have to work around him to create romantic tension. Aw, hell. Who am I kidding? All you need to create a pairing in a Breaking Bad fan fiction is two people alone in a room, and a pun about test tubes.
The piece is actually pretty subtle, or as subtle as one man?s lusting for another in a meth lab can be. Gus wants to dazzle Walt with his chemistry, so that it leads to physical chemistry between the two. It's actually a pretty realistic notion. Half of Breaking Bad?s audience spends the whole time watching it with the expectations that Walt will corner someone and say ?You're a good cook. Anal??
Walt notices that Gale smells like peppermint (due to his cologne), and Gale gets so excited that he probably had to get another lab coat, just to cover his erection. Gale tries to work up the courage to tell Walt how he feels but he never does. The story ends unfulfilled, but Gale thinks that he might just wear his peppermint cologne again the next day. ?It's a nice conclusion, because it lets you know that there are no real happy endings.
This is four-hundred-and-ninety-two of the most bizarre collection of words that have ever been put together. It's built for a maximum level of discomfort. I wish I could find a more succinct way to describe this piece, but all that comes to mind is ?lonely Hitler sex? and even that feels too cuddly.
Walt taught Jesse about a lot of types of chemistry, except for ?sexual.? He left that to Gus, who spends this whole story looking at an ashamed Jesse. A Jesse who is ashamed of himself because he slept with his boss, in order to save Walt. This shame is apparent throughout it. Jesse almost vomits while touching Gus under the sheets, an action most lovers refer to as ?It's not me. It's so much fucking you.?
Usually fan fiction relationships are something meant to provide some kind of slight joy to the reader. This one left me feeling like I'd just had sex with a girl, and all that was left to remember her were the oozing sores on my fingers and new groin parts. To top it off, it ends with Gus delivering a ??gentle? kiss to the boy?? which is a phrase that I'm not even sure I just wrote, and I'm prepared to wake up screaming at any moment.
Blake says
Thanks a heap, internet.
Ty Best says
Here’s another odd idea. Breaking Bad mashed up with Calvin and Hobbes.
https://clayton-hanson.squarespace.com/breaking-calvin/