That Twonk From The Darkness Might Do Eurovision

The Eurovision Song Contest is a bit like the World Cup in that UK victory seems certain beforehand, until we're painfully reminded of what a dreadful bag of bum we are  - case in point: Justin Hawkins from The Darkness wants to do Eurovision 2007.

That's right, Justin Hawkins from The Darkness - remember that joke band from a few years ago who had that one song you sort of liked before you bought their first album and listened to it four times, getting progressively more and more irritated each time? Yeah, them. Anyway, Justin Hawkins is on the shortlist to represent the UK in May's Eurovision Song Contest. But don't worry; Britain gets to choose its own Eurovision entry, and as well as Justin Hawkins - basically a has-been twonk from a broken-up band from the past - you'll also be able to pick from, um, two other has-been twonks from broken-up bands from the past, two reformed bands that nobody actually cared about in the first place and someone who wouldn't even be recognised by their own parents. Terry Wogan must be crying into his Guinness.

This wasn't supposed to happen, of course. 2007 was supposed to be the year that the UK asserted itself on Eurovision with such almighty force that it had no choice but to give us the Eurovision crown. Morrissey was going to do Eurovision, after all, and even Jarvis Cocker fancied his chances. Either one would have done, of course - over the last 20 years of popular British you'd be hard-pressed to find two more accomplished songwriters. But no. Now the biggest name with a hat in the Eurovision ring is Justin Hawkins from The Darkness, a man whose greatest achievement was not quite getting to number one with a Christmassy song about some penises.

Nobody really remembers The Darkness all that much, so here's a quick history. The Darkness were a comedy metal band who released a song with the word "motherfucker" in it that people thought was funny. Then success got the better of them and Justin Hawkins sacked the only member of the band that anyone liked. From then on it was all falling off big doughnuts, godawful badly-conceived solo-projects and being slagged off by Bon Jovi. Finally, a dreadful widely-ignored second album was released, leading to Justin Hawkins taking too many drugs and leaving The Darkness. The end.

Well, not quite the end. Justin Hawkins has decided he wants to test his nerve against the Croatian internet pornstars, harrowing disco cowboys and evil Finnish demons that make up the Eurovision Song Contest. Justin Hawkins is in the running with They Just Don't Make 'Em Like They Used To - a horrible Motowny duet with a woman called Beverlei Brown, a woman who seems to equate 'good singing' with going "Woooaaaah-oaaaah-oaahhhh!" in the middle of every word. Imagine that mixed with Justin Hawkins' screechy honk, and then lower your expectations - it's still worse than you think.

But Justin Hawkins isn't the only contender to represent the UK in Eurovision 2007 - which we'll probably be liveblogging like last year - there's also all kinds of other bad rubbish to choose from. Like Liz McClarnon - somehow the most personality-free member of Atomic Kitten and a former contestant on Celebrity Love Island - who'll be singing (Don't It Make You) Happy, which would actually sound a bit like Black Grape if it wasn't so clumpingly inane. Then there's Brian Harvey from the briefly reformed East 17, the only man alive chavvier than last year's Eurovision hopeful Daz Sampson. Brian Harvey's Eurovision tune is I Can - basically I Believe I Can Fly by R Kelly performed by a man who claims he ran himself over in his own car because he ate too many baked potatoes once.

Rounding out the UK's Eurovision hopefuls are semi-forgotten R&B group Big Brovaz, singing Big Bro Thang - which sounds exactly as you'd expect it to; and completely-forgotten 1990s pop group Scooch - most famous for being the punchline in a 2005 hecklerspray article about Biggie Smalls, who sing Flying The Flag, a song with the rare distinction of being even worse than the Justin Hawkins tune. Then there's someone called Cyndi, who couldn't be less famous if you dressed her up as Richard Blackwood. We're not even going to bother telling you what her generic ballad is called.

You'll be able to vote for these Eurovision hopefuls on a BBC special later this month. Alternatively, since they're all shit, you can go to Lithuania and beg LT United to perform Best Ever Eurovision Song Ever We Are The Winners for the UK this year instead. 

Read more:

Meet The UK's Eurovision Hopefuls - BBC