That Bloody Umbrella Song Set To Make Chart History

Unconfirmed sources across the internet are reporting that a travesty is due to hit us on Sunday, around the 7pm mark. In some respects it may be a double night of sorrow for some people.

Hundreds of thousands of youngsters and grown-ups who really should know better will find out that Harry Potter will get an STD through furious wizard sex with Hermione and will therefore die a really crappy death. But people who can distinguish between real and wizardy nonsense will recognise a far greater threat that is plaguing people across the world. That's right - if Umbrella by Rihanna is number one on Sunday it will have made history by being number one for longer than any song for 17 years.

A few weeks ago we started - and abruptly finished - a half-arsed campaign to stop people buying the sodding Rihanna record. At first we thought it was vaguely interesting, a nice little pop record that drunken women could embrace in cheesy nightclubs across the land. After a month, yes, it was still popular but we assumed that it was still number one due to people buying it both physically and online. Now it’s just taking the piss. Endless chants of “ella ella” have now been 'hilariously' parodied by various unfunny people across the land. Yes we’ve all heard the side-splitting reworking of the lyrics so the fit in with the lifestyle of Britain’s chavs. Such comedic rewordings include “drinking my can of Stella Stella Stella.” Did you wet yourself in amusement there? We thought not. 

Rihanna is still at the fresh-faced age of 19, so we can be fairly sure that she’ll still be insulting music when she’s sixty-something. Because this year's single is all about the never-ending rain, we assume that next year she’ll be back to sing about hailstones, dense fog or the wind. A whole weather-themed CD should be on the horizon. 

Oddly for this time of year there is no cheesy Euro dance song to be dubbed '2007’s summer dance smash' before being remixed to a bloody pulp by legions of other unknown DJs and slung onto every compilation going. We guess people have given up with wanting the sun to appear and are just going to do with songs about the rain. Apparently we can stand under Rihanna's umbrella anytime we want. So if, on the rare chance, anyone does see Rihanna, please ask her if you can. If she refuses, then you can do her under the Trade Description Act of 1968 and get lots of money off her. Or maybe a kiss, she is quite fit. 

But it seems like there’s nothing we can do to stop the enormous buying power behind the Umbrella single. As midweek chart details show, Rihanna is set to be number one on Sunday - a fact that will delight girls aged 8-12 up and down the country. Last year we had Gnarls Barkley with Crazy as the song that would never go away, but Rihanna is set to be at the top for a longer stint. If she does hit the magic number of ten week at number one she will become only the seventh artist in chart history to reach double figures. Maybe she’ll get a nice statue or something.

Rihanna will also step into the big league territory of songs at number one for absolutely bloody ages. Ten weeks will see her equal on/off crack addict Whitney Houston’s I Will Always Love You and a track called Cara Mia by someone called Davis Whitfield. We think that’s a grandparent job.  

Hecklerspray is contemplating releasing our own record about the sun. It’ll be called Forty In The Shade and will feature Snoop Dogg on guest vocals. However there are a few issues. Snoop will be too busy making his own fly on the wall gangster reality TV show and Al Gore will blame us for making it too hot. Then he’ll throw anther crap gig with an ageing woman headlining . So we probably won’t then. Just enjoy the rain. 

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Rihanna 'May Make Chart History - BBC