Ten Things We’ve Learnt From… The Godfather

All together now: "Just when I thought I was out… they pull me back in." All right, so that quote was from the much-derided third Godfather film, but if The Sopranos can find a use for it, then… um… er… well, we don’t know.

Ah, nuts to it. Here’s ten lessons learnt from the first Godfather film. Enjoy!

1. Stuffing cotton wool into your mouth does not earn you respect in real life. You just look like a tit.

2. Gangsters like to leave people presents at the end of the bed. Always put down rubber sheets.

3. If someone makes you an offer you cannot refuse, it will never, under any circumstances, involve the giving of money. Or flowers.

4. Hippies have been around a lot longer than any of us realise (obscure, yes, but if you know the film, you’ll understand).

5. All Sicilians are involved in the Mafia, all policemen are crooked, and all oranges are EVIL! It’s true. Don’t believe us? All right, what was the Don buying before he got shot? What does Michael eat when conducting business? When the Don finally dies, what does he have in his mouth? What about the big conference scene with all the Dons? What’s on the table? Eh? EH? ANSWER!!!

6. Guns exist that have the capability of shooting someone in the eye without demolishing the back of their head, disintegrating their species or causing any visible damage whatsoever.

7. No animals were harmed during the making of this film. They were already dead and going to be used for dog food anyway.

8. Elevated trains can appear at will.

9. To ‘sleep with the fish’ does not mean what The Simpsons thought it meant.

10. Being a gangster is really cool, so long as you don’t get shot. Or garrotted. Or stabbed in the hand. Or kissed. Or beaten to within an inch of death…

Next week’s ten: a surprise! But then, that’s only because we haven’t thought that far ahead yet. Don’t worry, we’ll have ‘em sorted by then. Honest.