Ridley Scott has had an up-and-down career. Like a rollercoaster, only with less metal track and a lot more screams. His second feature, Alien, definitely falls into the former category. Like a rollercoaster, only with… um, less ice cream… and more… uh… ah… loop-de-loops.

Anyway, now is the time to impart our words of wisdom and tell you the ten things we can learn from Alien (DVDs). The film, that is, not the actual alien itself. Our field correspondent did try to ask it, but it just grinned at him for a moment, before we lost all visual and audio contact. Must be weather interference…

1. Women – not being as stupid as men in the machismo stakes – know when it’s best to just turn and run. Especially Lambert,
who was frankly the most intelligent one of the lot. Still died,
though. And liked to cry a lot. And screamed far too much. And just
stood there when it came at her… hang about, let’s start again with
this one…

2. The suspicious new crew member who replaced the original
medical officer at the last minute is more than likely there for
nefarious purposes. And could be a robot, depending on what version of the script you’re reading.

3. Cats are fearless creatures, but are quite content
to carry on eating when one of its fellow crew mates is writhing around
on the dinner table in his final death roes. Ah well, it must have been
eating Whiskers. Cats know the difference, you know… we would
assume it’s because they can read. Actually, this one is getting a bit
weird, isn’t it? Next…

4. As in Terminator, do not assume that once you have
destroyed the ship that the last fifteen pages of script are there for
toilet paper (even if it was a really scary film).

5. Crawling around in enclosed air vents with an active flamethrower, very little oxygen and no escape routes is not recommended.

6. Nor is sealing the hatchways up after you. In fact, that is possibly even more of a stupid idea than number 5 (and this whole segment, come to think of it).

7. It is never a good idea to look inside anything
resembling an egg that voluntarily opens when one gets anywhere near
it! Trust us, it’s just asking for trouble (let’s face it, John Hurt’s character was a prat, really, wasn’t he?).

8. The majority of extra-terrestrial beings are ill-tempered,
incredibly hostile killing machines that will rip your head off without
an instant’s hesitation. They can easily be mistaken for teenage girls.

9. In space, no-one can hear you scream. We would assume, however, that they can smell the fear. Always pack extra underwear.

10. A Director’s Cut wasn’t necessary.

Did you know that out of all the London Underground stations, St. John’s Wood is the only one that doesn’t contain any letters from the word ‘Mackerel’ in it? You did? Oh, forget it, then.

Buy a beautiful 9 DVD alien head boxset from Kelkoo.co.uk

And, um, buy some mackerel from Kelkoo as well

[story by James Hickey]