Ladies and Gentlemen. May we present The Ghost Who Walks. 

The Ghost Who Walks is actually the psuedonym of Daily Telegraph music critic Neil McCormick. Bestest mate to the likes of Bono and Sting, The Ghost is famed for relentlessly using his position as a journalist to shamelessly plug his own work.

Action which would be slightly less reprehensible were his music not such a puddle of steaming cack. Coming over like David Gray meets James Blunt meets any other tedious ’singer-songwriter’ you can think of, The Ghost has wheeled out such classics as I Found God, a song which… well, no. Let’s let him describe it.

"When I played it to Bono, he said: ‘I wrote that song!’ ‘You wish!’ I replied. He grumbled something about trying to write that song for twenty five years. He has called it a classic. I don’t know about that but I know that it gets an incredible response every time I have played it, with people coming up to me afterwards to talk about it"

Jesus.

A professional namedropper, The Ghost has also written a book all about being mates with Bono. All of this pales into nothingness, however, when faced with The Ghost’s latest masterpiece. Oh, yes – he’s only gone and tackled the 7/7 London bombings, scrabbling over the shattered corpses of innocent people in order to further his grubby little career.

The song’s title? People I Don’t Know Are Trying To Kill Me.

Apparently the perma-present Bono described the song – which includes the lyrics "If I showed you pictures of my child / If we spoke for a little while / Could you let me be?" – as something that "needs to be heard now".

Ironic, really. Because we describe it as "an appallingly cynical tune-turd, curled out over the heads of a grieving public with all the tact and grace of a wolf savaging a playground".

Each to their own, eh?

[story by C J Davies]