Te day I turned twenty was the day my life ended. I was disgusted by the fact that I could no longer be referred to as a ‘teenager’, and began to accept the fact that my life would be on a steady decline from that point onwards.
Most importantly, I was made aware of the fact that that I could no longer watch teen movies as think of the characters as my peers. So in an effort to recapture my rapidly fading youth, I have been re-watching some of my favourite teen films. My repeat viewings have made me realise just how unrealistic these movies are. It also made me realise that Hollywood teenagers are fucking old; but that’s another story.
So, just because I love you so much, I’ve compiled a list of teen movies that are super unrealistic and amazing; in equal measure:
The Breakfast Club
John Hughes (God rest his soul) was the master of the teen movie. He made some of the best – aka cheesy – movies of the ’80s. He made Molly Ringwald a star for fuck sake. Can you picture a world without Molly Ringwald’s amazing legacy? I sure can’t.
Hughes’ best film, without exception, is?The Breakfast Club. The story of five unique pupils (‘The Brain’, ‘The Athlete’, ‘The Princess’, ‘The Basket-Case’ & ‘The Criminal’) who become friends after a day of weekend detention.
This is what makes the film so unrealistic. I’m speaking from experience when I say that, no matter how much I hung around with the athletes in my high school, I still found them to be dreadful people. I also take issue with the fact that four of the kids enter into relationships with each other after only?one?day. The geeky kid is the only single one at the end; which is the most believable part of the movie.
Clueless
As a child of the ’90s, with four older sisters, I know every single fucking word of this movie. So if anyone is in a position to critique it, it’s me.
Starring Alicia Silverstone and Brittany Murphy (God rest her soul), Clueless?told the story of Cher, a wealthy idiot who spends her time matchmaking and giving people makeovers. This is exactly what Cher does with Murphy’s character Tai; who transforms from a quirky weirdo to a Valley girl. I know for a fact that this would never really happen; because a girl like Cher would be too busy torturing Tai to offer her hairstyling tips.
P.S. Paul Rudd is amazing as Cher’s ex-stepbrother.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Ferris Bueller has it all. He’s funny, stylish (for the ’80s), attractive, and has an equally attractive girlfriend. I modelled the latter half of my teen years on trying to create a Bueller-type persona. Suffice to say, I will always be Bueller’s best friend Cameron; a weirdo with an anxiety problem and daddy issues.
Ferris’ seemingly infinite amount of self-confidence is what makes this film so ludicrous. I know I love John Hughes, but he may have gone a little too far with this one. Seriously, I challenge anyone to find a teenage boy who is that secure in himself. In fact, I challenge anyone to find a teenage boy who is?that?acne-free. It’s impossible.
American Pie
Who would ever have sex with these guys? That is what is wrong with?American Pie.?The sequel-icious franchise is based around a group of guys who pledge to lose their virginity before the end of their senior year. The only issue is that all of the male characters are monstrous looking; yet somehow manage to bed semi-attractive women.
No matter how much you try and geek up Alyson Hannigan, you can’t hide the fact that she is absolutely gorgeous. Jason Biggs, on the other hand, looks like Screech’s portly cousin from?Saved by the Bell.
Mean Girls
The innocence of pre-crack Lindsay Lohan is enough to bring a tear to your eye. It’s hard to believe that she started hitting people with cars mere months after this movie came out …
Mean Girls?is hilarious, and writer Tina Fey is a Demigod. On the whole, the movie isn’t too over the top. The characters are slightly exaggerated for comic value; but that is forgivable. I just find it hard to believe that people can be corrupted that easily. Lohan’s Cady managed to transform from a sweet young loser; to a monster bitch; and back again over the course of a single school year. Lohan herself will tell you that such a comeback isn’t that easy. It takes time, and apparently a lot of make-up.