Taylor Swift’s Next Album Will Be TItled “Dear Orlando”

Orlando Bloom and Taylor SwiftIt has got to be hard for Orlando Bloom to know his former wife not only gave it to model whore, Leonardo DiCaprio, but also to oversized toddler Justin Bieber.  That has to seriously hurt one’s pride a bit.

But that is no reason for Bloom to start going after crazy broads for a date.  I mean, with all the girls willing to sleep with “that guy that isn’t Johnny Depp from Pirates of the Caribbean” I don’t believe he needs to tread into such dangerous territory.

Some things in Hollywood are pretty well known to be facts.  Rihanna loves weed more than bras.  Watching Magic Mike gets women pregnant in Iceland and Guam every 14.6 minutes.  Lindsay Lohan’s heart belongs to coke and free shit.  And dating Taylor Swift means you will get a song written about you.

So it is kind of odd that there are still guys left pining after the blonde queen of high school love ballads.  It is especially odd when the guys are super hot and totally capable of getting almost any woman they want.  Such is the case with Orlando Bloom, who is allegedly stalking Swift down for a date.  An “anonymous source” (I see you, Taylor) said this:

“Orlando has been bombarding Taylor with text messages and phone calls, begging her for a date, but she’s been playing hard to get. She’s flattered because she thinks Orlando is so sexy and, in normal circumstances, she would leap at the chance.”

Not only is he pursuing her, he’s reaching creeper status by allegedly moving into her building.  Not just in her building, but the same floor.  I can’t imagine the sex would be that good, Orlando.  Besides, isn’t buying property alarmingly close to someone you’re interested in a copyrighted T.Swift play, anyway?

The reason Taylor has been giving Bloom the strong arm is because she is not only friends with Selena Gomez, who used to have a thing for Bloom, but because she is also quasi friends with Miranda Kerr.

“She’s looking for a serious relationship,she doesn’t want to be just another notch on his belt. Taylor knows that Selena is nuts about Orlando and wants to have a real relationship with him. Yet all he seems to want to do is ask her about Taylor!”

Buttttt since Miranda supposedly jumped into the playpen with Bieber while still married to Orlando, wouldn’t it be weird to all of a sudden have boundaries and restrictions here?  And Gomez is back to wasting her life with Justin anyway, so not only is she obviously insane, but a fucking dumbass, so her feelings really shouldn’t be counted.  Can’t call dibs forever on a dude while you have a boyfriend,  especially one that doesn’t want you.

Everyone should be prepared for Swift’s next album to have some lovely thinly veiled songs about Bloom is this is all true.  Maybe a song about a swashbuckling stalker who steals her heart like buried treasure?  Something in a nice, simple, 3 chord progression with just enough twang in the word “you” that Taylor can still pretend she is a country singer.

Allegedly, Orlando Bloom is quasi stalking Taylor Swift because he wants to date her. ‘Cause Orlando isn’t hot enough to just walk into a bar and get any half crazy girl to go home with him?

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