Rumor has it that America?s currently anointed Princess of pop?er? country, Taylor Swift, showed up at a wedding to which she might not have been invited. I?m confused as to why I?m supposed to be surprised because:
A. The only thing that makes this wedding relevant is Swift?s presence– despite Kathie Lee Gifford?s best attempt to thrust herself into the forefront?so there was really nothing to ?crash? in the first place. It was more of a favor.
B. Swift has always been a diva bitch supreme, so why should I be shocked that she acts the part?
Honestly, I?m more shocked that people still are holding onto their contrived ?damsel in distress? persona of Swift that they can?t see that her for what she really is?an awesomely vindictive bitch who will put anyone on blast for so much as breathing in her direction, and then laugh about it all the way back to the bank.
She is not, and has never been, the pixie of a person everyone pegs her to be, which is the very reason why I don?t loathe her very existence. You don?t believe me? Let?s review, shall we?
The Aforementioned Wedding
Now we can?t say for sure whether she had any clue if she were invited or not– primarily because you can?t expect a rock star to understand the complexities of RSVPS as those dealings are better left to the mignons?but either way, it?s obvious Swift figured her presence would be the most selfless and extravagant gift for whomever she graced with her presence.
What? You didn?t register for a Taylor Swift autograph signing for your wedding? Welp, blushing bride, it?s your lucky day because Taylor has come to steal all the superfluous attention from you and make your guests much happier than they ever would have been otherwise. I?ll give you an appropriate address to send your thank you note later.
People are trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, saying she didn?t know she was crashing a wedding, but I think after being asked to leave once (and definitely after being asked twice) she?d have gotten a clue if she were really the annoyingly proper princess everyone believes her to be.
The thing is that Swift knew full well what she was doing and just didn?t give a fuck. Why should she? She writes her own damn songs, and if you don?t watch out, she?ll write one about you. She?s unapologetic about what she does, but ruthless about whatever is done to her.
What did this no-name girl do? Get married? Please, Swift is a celebrity. She?s going to do that a few times. Long hurr, Diva don?t curr.
The Kanye Incident
Kanye West?s so perfectly hilarious, outright dismissal of Taylor Swift?s deservingness of the MTV award for female music video of the year (I?ll give you a moment to let the gravity of such an award soak in for a moment?) is probably the linchpin of the majority of misleading assumptions that Swift needs to be treated like a China doll in the first place.
In what is now an infamous pop culture snippet in time, Swift was made a victim and subsequently became everyone?s responsibility to have and hold from that moment on. However, this never needed to be the case.
While her ever-so-perfectly crimped hair and pubescent boy-like body have been the foundation of the terribly dull and helpless persona everyone keeps thrusting on her, I think Swift has just continued to play along, because when else will you be credited with being mature for just sitting there while someone makes an asshole of themselves? When I sit there and say nothing, I get called incompetent. Think about it.
Swift won the award– knowing Beyonce should have taken it?and just laughed as the entire oversight was made her 10 times bigger because of West?s temper tantrum. He effectively shut up the critics for her. She probably laughed over it that very night while counting out the brush strokes in her hair and dreaming up new ways to add sparkle into her wardrobe.
The Lyrical Genius
Swift?s calling card is the complex songs about romantic relationships, or so people like to say.
You know, though, that Swift actually doesn?t care. No, this girl is a man-eater, uses them up, and spits them out, pushing out a song on the back end, which serves to cover her bases: 1. Paying her bills, and 2. Not having to answer to the tabloids.
I have no idea what could possibly be complex about dating someone like John Mayer, other than thinking of all the ways to say he is a vagina. Or maybe whichever Jonas brother it was, which would require a slight tweak, instead thinking of all the ways to say he wouldn?t touch her vagina.
I don?t think she?s ever touched on anything ground breaking lyrically, though I?m happy everyone is very impressed she can put together sentences. And by looking at her lyrics, you can tell she could care less. See Exhibit A:
Someday I’ll be living in a big ol’ city
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?
So, he?s mean, and she lives in a city aaannnnddd?it?s big? Ugh, how will I ever understand what she?s trying to say? It?s like putting together a 10,000 piece puzzle of a snow storm.
If you?re trying to tell me she even tried writing those lyrics, you should go ahead and punch yourself in the face before the computer does it for you.
I know Swift just laughs; she has to. She laughs to herself to sleep at night how she gets away with playing the public the way she does. She could write a story about what she ate for lunch and people would eat it up (see what I did there?)
So in reality, Taylor Swift isn?t all that deplorable of a personality that one might naturally assume. People might project different characteristics about her, but don?t get it twisted: Swift thinks the public is just as dumb as you do for loving the pathetic priss version of her, only she isn?t dumb enough to miss out on the gravy train that it provides.