Celibate Taylor Swift and Horny Harry Styles Break Up

Harry Styles and Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift fans can rejoice now that the pop songstress has more material to craft award-winning songs following her breakup from Harry Styles. Similarly, starry-eyed One Direction fans can once again hold out hope that they will – implausibly – be able to hook up with Harry.

Of course, the rationale behind the breakup is obvious to even the least meticulous observer: Harry Styles has been busy getting his end away with women around the world (often older than he is), while Taylor Swift’s so pretty perfect that she probably doesn’t give it up that easily.

But yes, let this be a lesson: fairytale romances are no such thing, and there’s rarely a happily ever after. What is astounding is the speed of the downfall. Less than a week after the two were cajoled into smooching for the implausibly named Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve With Ryan Seacrest (just when will America rename their new year’s show so that it doesn’t incorporate the name of a dead guy?) it was all over and Taylor was moping on a boat alone in the middle of some paradisical sea.

Taylor Swift on a boat

Then she decided to take action in the way women do: put on an uh-MAZING dress that shows she somehow has boobs and went in front of a billion cameras. Of course, because the press like to point out celebrities’ misery, they pointed out that though Taylor was gamely trying to fight on through the pain, you could see the sadness in her eyes. They are the window to the soul, after all.

Taylor Swift

And then what of Harry Styles? The Sun came in strong with the scoop that he had been sharing a hot tub almost immediately after the breakup with Hermione Way, a blonde who then went on Twitter to modestly say that at most, her red bikini may have sold another five copies of the paper. Most hilariously, the paper decided that people might not know who Harry Styles was, so they circled his face in the photograph from the hot tub.

harry-styles-hermione-way

Somewhat ridiculously, Richard Branson was also dragged into the whole thing. No, before you get excited, he is not the other man. Taylor Swift’s not that desperate. Rather it was his Necker Island resort at which the infamous hot tub photo was taken. I’m not sure why the lion-maned one who is at least 40 years older than everyone else involved in this situation is entangled in it all, but I guess why not. Both Styles and Swift are batshit insane, so it kinda makes sense…

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