When Taylor Lautner landed the role of Jacob Black in Twilight, he must have thought all his Christmases had come at once.
Sure, it meant Taylor Lautner had to make one film where he barely registered because everyone was creaming themselves dizzy over Robert Pattinson and his ridiculous homeless haircut – but in the Twilight sequels, Jacob is a lead.
Jacob, mind you, not Taylor – according to reports, everyone thinks that Taylor Lautner is too much of a scrawny little pissbag to play Jacob in Twilight 2, so he’s doing everything to save his job. If you need him, he’ll be over there mainlining doughnuts.
The official title for Twilight 2 – which we’re still going to keep calling Twilight 2 out of nothing more than petty spite, by the way – is New Moon. But perhaps a more appropriate title for it would be New Everything, because that seems to be the way that Twilight 2 is going.
First Twilight‘s director Catherine Hardwicke was booted off the sequel – because, as we later discovered – she wasn’t Golden Compassy enough – and now it looks like Taylor Lautner, who plays Jacob Black in Twilight, might be headed for a similar fate. Where will this end? Admittedly you could quite easily substitute Robert Pattinson for a plank of wood with a repulsively matted whore’s merkin on top of it and nobody would be able to tell the difference, but come on.
The problem seems to be that, in Twilight 2, Jacob Black becomes a sinewy, muscular werewolf. And meanwhile Taylor Lautner looks like a threadbare pipecleaner that’d burst into tears if you stared at it hard enough. We’d say that you could play the xylophone on Taylor Lautner’s ribs, but it’s not true – you could play the toy xylophone on Taylor Lautner’s ribs, but any songs you attempted would make a sound like a lonely pensioner sighing with disappointment because the postman hasn’t come again, and what’d be the point of that? Taylor Lautner is, in short, a weed.
So, with the news that the Twilight producers are keen to switch him with the larger Michael Copon from Scorpion King 2 – an actor who looks exactly like Lautner would if he had 15 snooker balls implanted under his skin – Taylor Lautner has decided to do something about it.
And that’s why, as we speak, Taylor Lautner is in the middle of a Rocky-style training montage that’s a bit lighter on the ‘running up stairs’ part and a little heavier on the ‘having melted cheese poured into his mouth through a funnel for 16 hours a day’ part as People reports:
“I have been working out. I’ve been working out since the day we finished filming Twilight. I just weighed myself today; I’ve put on 19 lbs.,” Lautner told MTV on Wednesday night. And Lautner says he’s meeting this week with director Chris Weitz to make – and show – his case. “I’m guaranteeing Weitz 10 more [pounds] by filming,” the star said at the InStyle-sponsored bash in West Hollywood.
OK, maybe we’ve been a little unkind to Taylor Lautner here – it’s actually completely admirable that he’s met his criticism head-on to keep his place on Twilight 2. And we honestly hope that his sudden 13kg weight gain will convince Chris Weitz to let him star as Jacob Black for the rest of the series.
True, if he does keep his job, Twilight 2 might need a rewrite to make Jacob the first borderline-obese werewolf in history who travels everywhere on a Segway because he gets out of breath even walking to the toilet any more, but the Twilight fans want what they want.
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{ 60 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m glad Taylor has a chance to stay. I really like him as Jacob and hope he can stay for the duration.
ummm why are you talking about obesity here? he’s gained 19 lbs of muscle! not fat. duh.
They better hang on to this hot little indian boy cuz I live in Oklahoma City and its hard to find Native americans that are attractive and sober.
Pretty little man and one of the guys playing his buddy was the best looking ones in the movie…Replace Pattinson and the mexican chick they bleached out to play a white vampire with actual supermodels..like they are discribed in the books. Stupid hollywood
Pattinsons a pompous ass in interviews. I agree with Irish/indian. You can’t put makeup and bleach on a pitbull and suddenly it looks like a poodle.
you’re an asshole. you’re all assholes. lol
This is a big joke. Thats retarded. I totally disagree. Stupid ass people!
D:<
He gained 19 pounds of muscle, you idiot! This is why people shouldn’t write articles when they have no clue what they are talking about. Plus, you could play the xylophone on his abs, not his ribs. The kid has an 8 pack!!! Do your research next time, and if you don’t care enough about it to do your research, then don’t write about it at all.
What the f**k?!
It’s MUSCLE, dude, NOT fat…muscle weighs more than fat…everyone knows that!
I hope he stays. He IS Jacob Black.
i hope they keep taylor…he did a real good job in twilight and it would be weird for someone else to play jacob
I couldn’t give a tiny toss about who this spiky-haired grub is, but this post gets top fucking marks for using the phrase, “chub the flip up”.
While I think that this kid has the perfect teeth for playing a wolf-man, I sort of hope that they replace him.
He kind of makes me feel like a pedophile. :/
I love taylor lautner he is so sexy.
please keep him, it will kill the second movie if they replace him. I LOVE YOU TAYLOR!!!!!!! <333333333333333333333333333333333333333
I DONT UNDERSTAND THE BIG PROBLEM BY THE TIME THEY START FILMING MARCH 2009 TAYLOR WILL BE 17. SO BY THAT TIME HE WELL BE MUCH TALLER AND ALL HE WOULD HAVE TO DO IS WORK OUT. THIS DECISION SHOULD BE EASY AND YES HE HAS THE PERFECT THATS MORE REASON TO KEEP HIM. PLUS THE MOVIE WOULDN’T BE AS EXCITING WITHOUT HIM.
Wtf I agree wit everyone below me if u don’t know whut ur writing don’t write it
And piisbag rlly u said pissbag I think ur the one who’s a pissbag not taylor and fuck this article it makes no sense
I want to know where i can voice out and be join, to keep taylor as jacob. He will do excellent,as the new buff jacob. Changing him will not help.
You seem to have things a lil mixed up.. the one who is chubby is Michael.. look at his face.. looks like he has marshmellows stuffed in his mouth.. he has a butter ball round face.
Taylor on the other hand.. you can actually see his jaw line… much stronger and defined then chubby chew’s.
Taylor will make and keep his part as Jacob.
I wonder what moron wrote this absurd article. The author’s accusations of Taylor are quite asinine. =)
quite
um its not twilight 2 its NEW MOON!
Reading the comments on the various Twilight posts has really helped me. There’s so much free oestrogen being given off from them that reading even a few means that I don’t have to shave for at least a week afterward. That’s good going for a hirsute fucker like me. Thanks, laydees; you’re helping me stay four-blade smooth with every protestation.
They might as well call him Michael “Coupon.” Summit mainly wants to replace Taylor Lautner because it will save them some cash on editing. I think it’s wrong to replace him. They need to learn some camera angles and wardrobe techiniques for the height. He can get a lot more muscular on his own, he’s already put on 20 pounds of muscle since Twilight stopped filming, and digital editing and GOOD make-up can make him look even more mature. I think he’s excellent for the part of Jacob, plus he’s actually part Native American. TEAM TAYLOR
They can’t replace Taylor Lautner ):
OMG this articcal is so stupid Taylor is the best for Jacob and if it gets tis far hollywood could always make him look bigger, but he is the best for the job of playing. NO ONEcould do it better than him
Wow, this is a funny article but SOOO trashy! In all honesty- WTF? Do you find pleasure in pissing people off or is it just a little game between you and your poker buddies?
like I said, kudos on the writing style…
but you sorta opened up a BIG ol’ can of worms called Twilighters.
sorry man
ps: all you have to do is google Taylor Lautner and a picture of his abs show up- and he was FREAKING 12 YEARS OLD THERE (maybe 13). then go back and read your article and tell us that you stated the truth
Agreed b.cee, this article is so trashy and wrong, but funny writing style.
This article is so random, i honestly don’t get it. They’re taking a stab at Taylor in one bit, then wanting him in the end? Made me laugh a few times though.
And Summit needs a life, with all the money they made from Twilight, why try and save any? They already have a devoted fan base who will go watch the movie regardless of whether it comes out good or not. And they didn’t seem to have a problem with the 5″5′ Ashley Greene playing what should be a 4″10′ Alice Cullen. If you’re gonna replace Taylor, why not follow up with her? Losers.
It’s MUSCLE not FAT! God you fuckin people really get on my nerves enough with the criticizing and talk about something worth hearing about, for the next few months all we’re gonna hear about is Taylor is this Taylor is that, honestly do some research!
Hope all the rumours about Taylor are false, he IS Jacob Black and if he is replaced in New Moon then their will be no Twilight fans seeing this movie! If they wanna replace someone please let it be Kristen Stewart OMG she was awful the girl is a robot LOL
THEY NEED TO KEEP HIM HES THE PERFECT JACOB! AND I AGREE WITH BOOGER ROB IS A POMPOUS ASS, HES AN UGLY OLD BRITTISH MAN THAT DOSENT KNOW HOW TO WASH HIS HAIR! TAYLOR HAS GAINED 19 FRIKKIN POUNDS AND ITS NOTT FAT ITS MUSCLE PEOPLE!! AND ITS STUPID HOW THEIR CALLING IT TWILIGHT 2 ITS CALLED NEW MOON!!!=[[
KEEPP TAYLORR LAUTNERR AS JACOB BLACKK!!!
http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=viewImage&friendID=412323403&albumID=201569&imageID=9098497
Hes hot!!!!!!!
he cannot be replaced everyone loves him!!!
And that Michael Copon does not look like him b.c Taylor is wayyyyyyyyyyyyy hotter
IT IS NOT CALLED ‘TWILIGHT 2′ IT IS CALLED NEW MOON. TAYLOR LAUTNER ISNT SCARWNY AT ALL!!!! YOU’RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE HE IS GORGEOUS!!!!! YOU ARE A PISSBAG!!!! GO TO HELL!!!! HOW MANY TWILIGHT FANS CAN YOU COME UP WITH THAT WANT TAYLOR GONE?? LIKE, 1 OUT OF 12,000,000,000,000,000+!!!!!!! THAT MICHAEL COPON BUTCHOLE THINKS HE CAN JUST COME IN AND TAKE TAYLOR’S PART!!!!! TAYLOR IS WORKING HIS ASS OF TO KEEP IT!!!! STUART GUY, GO GET A FUCKING LIFE!!! GET OFF OF YOUR PIGGY BUTT AND GET A REAL JOB AND LOSE SOME WEIGHT!!!! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TALK ABOUT TAYLOR LIKE THIS!!! GO TO HELL!!!! GET A FUCKING LIFE AND A GIRL AND GET A HOBBY AND JUST GO TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!!!! DONT BAG ON ROBERT EITHER!!!!
What the hell does he think he’s doing? About a quarter of the first part of the movie you see his skinny little ass, so he’ll be Mr. Muscle the whole movie? I thought he read the books! Stupid head! Just keep the weed, then shove steroids down his throat a quarter through the movie!
Uhm okay people seriously dont get so wrapped up in who plays Jacob Black. I think he’s so-so adorable and im totally his numbero uno fan, but even if he duznt make the part wich would be a tragedy, LIFE GOES ON. Why are you people flipping out??? (And yes we grasp the concept that he is gaining MUSCLE not FAT. So you can stop saying that now.)Hahaha and future reference for “mrs taylor lautner”- swearing your face off isnt very attractive. These guys are just trying to do their jobs as best as they can. They are doing this for YOU GUYS. So chill.(And I think if Taylor Lautner saw what you wrote he wouldnt be very impressed.)
i’m just disappointed. i mean, you might as well recast charlie, renee, or mabye even mike newton. and michael copon looks more chinese than native american. steven strait.. dono he just doesn’t do it for me. i think summit arent quite well aware how many fans wont be going to see new moon. =/
Taylor is the only Jacob Black.
That I can agree with. They kinduv got me attatched to Taylor, so anybody else would just seem… wrong.
oh my god they have to keep Taylor for New Moon!!! he is the only Jacob Black, and hes perfect the way he is, he dont need to gain any weight to be Jacob for the second movie!!!!!!!!! that pisses me off that people would say hes a scrawny little pissbag
I think that Taylor should totally stay if he didnt it would totally mess up the whole movie…no one that is in love with this movie will want any charector to change…so what if he has to be big and tall…he’s working and making progress
I havnt seen one person say to take Taylor out of New Moon so I think that if they exchange him then I guess that I wont even watch it……DONT KICK TAYLOR OUT IT’S JUST NOT RIGHT HE IS THE BEST AND THE ONLY JACOB BLACK!! WHEN I WAS READING NEW MOON I ALWAYS PICTURED TAYLOR I REALLY HOPE THEY DONT MESS IT UP ;(
the directors and summit entertainment are morons if they take taylor away…considering what this can do to the big number of fans…
so message to weitz and summit: DONT BE MORONS.
Defiantly Team Taylor!!!!
he is perfect to fit Jacob (=
I am appalled Micheal thinks otherwise, he needs to admit Taylor is an THE ideal Jacob
Taylor is much more handsome and sexier as well as sweet compared to Micheal…TAYLOR IS WONDERFUL and just PERFECT!!
I think it would be great to let him stay in the complete saga.
So what if its fat or muscle.
TAYLOR IS A PERFECT WEREWOLF.
Only because he has experience being a weird-o creature. Remember him as ‘Shark boy?’ With those viscous teeth,He’ll be perfect it will ruin the WHOLE series because it would be changing the book too, they dont switch jacob black in the boook.
Keep him. Really.
It would suck to make him leave he’s a great actor as if he really where Jacob Black he IS JACOB BLACK++
Michael Copon doesn’t really look like Taylor Lautner… If Summit want to replace him, they should look at Steven Strait who’s a great actor and looks like an older Lautner.
I liked Lautner in Twilight, but I’m not going to flip out if they replace him. As long as Jacobs character is portrayed like he should be from the book, I’m not fussed…. I mean, for all the people who are refusing to watch next 3 films if Taylor Lautner Isn’t on board…. you must be bigger fans of the actor rather than the books… Leave it to the professionals.
What kind of idiot wrote this?! i mean, c’mon!
wow this guy is dumb. its NEW MOON first of all. taylor is not fat secondly. i hate this article cause my 10 year old brother could write better. the author is obviously not a serious writer oh yea and TAYLOR=JACOB and JACOB=TAYLOR.
No replacing Taylor, that would end up being hell-on-earth for the film makers having to deal with upset fans, not to mention the box office will see a very horrid decrease coming from “New Moon”. I don’t think they’ll drop him, if they know what’s good for them…
If he doesn’t get the role it would be a shame. He’s the only redeeming thing about Twilight. But mark my words Talyor will be the next big thing. He has the energy and drive of a hemi Cuda with the manners and class of a Mercedes.
I’ve only recently discovered this phenominon called Lautner and the boy must have hit the talent lottery. Great looks, Sings, Plays guitar and is multi Athletic, have you seen him land a hand spring two and a have twist? youtube it, it’s amazing. Yep the boy has got it going on and it’s hard to believe it’s only been “on” for 4 years. He will always have my box office dollar.
Ok, so lately I have been keeping up with this whole ‘gunna replace Taylor thing’ and i think Summit is being rediculous! Do you know how many people have said that they are NOT going to watch this move if Taylor isn’t going to play Jacob? He doesn’t PLAY Jacob, he IS Jacob! And if Summit doesn’t realize that soon, i PROMISE they WILL NOT live to see Eclipse!
OMG HE’S STAYING!! i just read the latest blog on it from myspace and they decided to keep him! YEAHH!
i think taylor is so hot he should stay in the movie without him its going to be so boring and no one is going to watch the movies and i really like all the books