A long time ago when we were all nippers, we got told to make pretty pictures for our parents. Our teachers told us that they’d really like them and place them with pride on the fridge – covering the reminder letters from angry gas companies.
Yes, the drawings of our family were put on display even though they were utter shit and didn’t represent our parents well. Except our mother, who really does have three fingers, unusually long arms and a bright purple face. We always thought that art was done with pens, paint, chalk and – if you were poor like us – crayons. But apparently not. Now, there is something called modern art where we have to think for ourselves about what it all means. And injure ourselves on it too, if the Tate Modern's giant crack exhibits anything to go by.
The Tate Modern is one of those places where apparently you have to go at some point in your life, so you can look at all those creative juices literally flowing out of the building from the cream of the crop of modern artists. So imagine our slight excitement when we heard that one of the exhibitions there had injured some punters going in for a look about.
Did someone write 'This is shit' on an installation and get thumped by a pissed-off artist? Or did the melancholy reflection on the fragile of mankind's slave/ master relationship with technology in an exhibition cause art-lovers to indiscriminately slash at their wrists over the futility of it all? Sadly not. Instead, someone boringly fell down the Tate Modern's 'crack in the floor' exhibition. The BBC says:
“As many as 15 art lovers have been injured at London's Tate Modern since the opening of an installation which features a large crack in the floor.”
We shit you not. Some fuckwit has fallen down a gap in the floor, despite it obviously being a crappy piece of art. The 167-metre-long crack in the floor entitled Shibboleth currently has no plans to be roped off to stop any more people falling into it. Did any of the injured art-lovers break their bones? They deserved to if they were stupid enough to not see that there was a massive bloody crack in the middle of the floor.
“Colombian artist Dorris Salcedo said the work symbolised racial hatred and division in society.”
After thinking for a few seconds between a slurp of tea and a Kit-Kat, we believe that this exhibition is just a poor tribute to Germany’s massive wall that one divided the place up, or the big fence currently in the Gaza strip, or the bit at the end of Ghostbusters where the pavement gets all busted up.
Falling into holes only really happens to hecklerspray after too many alcoholic beverages have been drunk and our balance goes slightly wonky. It just amuses us that people think it’s cool to go and look at a hole in the ground. We would like to erect an exhibition in the Tate Modern. It would be our interpretation of the lack of money in our lives. So we’d need a lot of money to go and spend on stuff like Nintendo Wiis, Playstation 3s, HDTVs, endless supplies of Stella, crisps, big comfy chairs and a few people to cater for our needs. People could then see our idea of happiness over a weekend as we have fun in a giant glass square. Call it A Modern Day Weekend.”