Button-nosed American Pie (DVD)
orangelady Tara Reid (DVDs)
has signed with cable channel E! to present a
globe-trotting series called Wild On, in which the gawking actress
will swan around "a different location each
episode as she hits the world’s hottest party spots".

That’s right, folks – it’s the Simple Life (DVD)
with added piss-ups. And seeing as that show already had its fair share of
alcohol-fuelled shenanigans, the prognosis would seem to be for more of the
s(h)ame.

Of course, these are all bound to be safe,
homogenised and clean ‘party destinations’ – rich-kid holiday havens like
skiing resorts or corporate-sponsored music festivals. Heck, Tara’s such a
socialite that – whenever she turns up at a new destination – she’ll probably
already be best mates with half of the trust-fund yuppie-spawn she encounters
anyway.

hecklerspray, then, would
like to propose a new idea. Just as the second series of The Simple
Life attempted (and failed) to take on more of an ‘edge’, so any further
instalments of Wild On should see Tara-baby straying from the beaten
path, venturing into the sleaziest and most dangerous ‘party-towns’ on the
planet.

This week – Tara drops by a Harlem crack
whore den! Will she be able to navigate a path amongst the discarded
needles and pipe-shards in order to escape the ‘advances’ of her new pimp
‘friend’?

Next week – Tara parachutes into a Siberian
bear-trappers get-together, joining them all for a quick drink of
three pints of neat vodka. Will she regain her sight before the evening’s party
game of ‘landmine kicking’ commences? Only time will tell!

The grand finale would see Tara shovelled out
onto the streets of Watford on a Saturday night, left to see
exactly just how far her ‘eeyuuh-that’s-gross’ Valley-girl stupidity
would get her whilst stranded amidst a sea of medallions, Burberry shirts and
bitter GSCE failure. "So, you guys, like … break a bottle and them slam
it in somebody’s face while filming it on your mobile phone? That’s, like, so
totally cool!!!!"

For anyone who’s interested, the series is set
to premiere this August. Expect lots of silly dancing around and mugging to
camera. And there’ll be absolutely no celebrity drug-taking behind the scenes.
Oh no. None at all.

[story by C J Davies]