Taken Shoots The Weekend Box Office’s Wife In The Chest
Do you find yourself frequently becoming depressed because 24 isn’t as torture-y as it once was?
And do you also find yourself getting annoyed because Jack Bauer is a human man and not a mystical lion who acts as a badly-concealed Jesus metaphor ? You do? Well you’re not the only one, because Taken is this week’s number one movie at the weekend box office.
And Taken is exactly that – it’s a brutally violent thriller containing several scenes of graphic torture starring Aslan from the Narnia films. What more could you possibly ask for?
2009 seems to be the year where the US weekend box office answers all of our prayers. First we prayed about a witless comedy about a fat man on a Segway and Paul Blart: Mall Cop became the weekend box office number one for two weeks running.
And then we prayed for a film that’s a bit like 24 and a bit like The Bodyguard, only starring Aslan The Lion, the shit one from Lost and a failed popstar. And what do you know, Taken has become the top movie at the weekend box office. Don’t tell anyone, but next week we’re praying for remake of Bound starring Konnie Huq, Myleene Klass and the woman off the Lacoste advert. And so it will be. Here’s the US weekend box office top five…
1 - Taken (We should probably point out that this isn’t a remake of the Steven Spielberg TV show Taken. Or the 2002 horror movie Taken. Or the Canadian 2003 movie Taken. Or Taken In, Taken Out, Taken Alive, Taken Away, Taken By Force, Taken For Granted, or the videogame Tekken. It’s a completely new idea. Unless you’ve seen the first season of 24, that is, because it’s a total rip-off of that) $24,625,000
2 - Paul Blart: Mall Cop (This is a sad day, Paul Blart. Your reign as weekend box office champion has come to an end. But fear not, for you’ll live on forever both in our hearts and in the millions of pointless rip-off movies about fat Segway-riding men with limited authority that’ll inevitably come out in about 18 months) $14,000,000
3 - The Uninvited (The uninvited that this movie’s title specifically refers to is either Elizabeth Banks or a freaky dead child who looks like a severe burns victim. Of the two, we’d rather the latter showed up at our house uninvited. At least it’d have fewer dreary anecdotes about Zach Braff) $10,512,000
4 - Hotel For Dogs (A hotel for dogs! What a funny idea! Whatever next? Really, imagine that – a hotel for dogs. Oh, Hollywood. You’ve really outdone yourselves here. A hotel for dogs! We’ll have one of whatever you’re smoking! LOL!!!) $8,706,000
5 - Gran Torino (Gran Torino has now been a box office fixture for two months, which makes it the most popular movie about someone’s gran since Big Momma’s House 2) $8,600,000
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