The former members of Take That – once Britain’s premier 100% heterosexual boy band – have admitted they liked a little more than a glass of Piper Heidsieck after a gig.

All will be revealed in Take That…The Final Report due to be aired on ITV1 at 9.00pm this Wednesday evening. As a taster of the exposé to come check out these uninspiring revelations:

"It was almost a woman a night," said Gary Barlow – onetime lead singer.

"And threesomes," chipped in Jason Orange – incredible chin.

No real shock that the boys had sex a lot. We assume the threesomes were two girls and a guy, but with all those old Lycra crop-tops, who could know for sure?

Robbie Williams (DVDs) though, scourge of his former band-mates, rich man with commitment issues, how is he most fondly remembered…?

"He’s grown up a handsome man," said Mark Owen – tiny little guy, no sense of irony.

"A loud-mouthed arrogant so and so," admitted Jason.

And Robbie’s predictable take on the whole thing?

"I would drink myself to oblivion every night by myself. I was so lonely."

Yeah, well, never mind all the Robbie stuff. That’s old fodder. It is the drugs we want to know about – not cool, no, but in the circles Take That ran in, definitely inevitable.

"(we) never had heroin or anything pushed on us."

Mark Owen again, ever the group diplomat. Though even he can grab a Smash Hits headline when he wants to:

"In Spain once, we all went clubbing and did half an E or something and it was the most amazing feeling."

But what of fifth man Howard Donald? Currently a club DJ and not even slightly upset at having to sift through Take That’s back catalogue in his local Scope.

"I was really disappointed when the band ended. I must have felt emotional, and tired with what was happening. I already knew that the group was going to finish and I decided to walk out the hotel and go to the Thames and sit on the wall at the side. It was a bit stupid but I was thinking of jumping in the river because of the state of my mind at the time."

Is he really saying that suicide was an option? Poor bloke. That certainly beats Robbie Williams and yet another drinking binge confession.

"Perhaps Take That saved my life."

Hang on Robbie, you’re giving away too much! Save something for your eighteenth autobiography.

"We used to like to smoke weed and then giggle."

Too late.

Read More:

Take That Back Again – Mirror

[story by Chris Laverty]