Apparently, ITV’s surprise smash hit The Only Way is Essex is coming back for a third series on Monday and, in a desperate attempt to remind us why we gave a crap in the first place, they’ve been carting the stars out in front of the press. The excitement is almost too much for us to take.

Oh, look at that. We pulled through.

Of course, one star in need of a pay-cheque from the tat-peddling celeb factory that is TOWIE is Jessica Wright. Speaking to some awful red-top tabloid, the quintessential Essex stereotype told the braying masses what they can expect of her and it appears there might be a few changes.

Contrary to suggestions that she might be becoming a nun, the Hindenburg-bosomed beauty told a reporter that she is single and ready to mingle as the new series begins:

“I want to enjoy being single and I am sure producers will want to jump on the ‘me and Sam Faiers being single’ situation”

That’s handy. There’s nothing off about having a group of ITV2 producers running your love-life. Seriously. There isn’t. Guys… call us. We’re pretty morally bankrupt. We’ve got an idea for “hecklerspray Dates Gorillas” that we think you’ll really love.

Since parting ways (after an amicable contractual assessment) with the ridiculously named Joey Essex, TOWIE star Sam Faiers is also available for vaginal intercourse with strangers and apparently plans to celebrate this fact on camera… not like that:

“Sam and I have become really close friends since we started filming TOWIE and we both want to do more scenes together. They might show us going out on dates. “

Well, that’s good. Of course, the mention of scenes suggest that the girls might be supplementing their income in another way but far be it for us to suggest such a thing. Poor ol’ Jessica though. She’s a delicate flower and is a little bit worried that the presence of her little brother Mark Wright on the show might stop her getting things inserted in her on a regular basis:

“It’s harder for me because of my brother, the other boys don’t want to mess with Mark’s sister. It does annoy me a bit as Mark is able to do whatever he wants with his life.”

That almost seems like a reasonable statement but also seems to imply that she’s only allowed to shag inside her social circle. Sorry fans of Nuts & Zoo, Jessica’s only allowed to shag her co-stars which might be the first time that there’s ever been a shagging clause in the contracts but whatever works for ITV2, works for ITV2.

Jessica has high hopes that the new series will allow her to cast off the shackles of both her brother and her lighter-than-light, monastic librarian image and establish herself as someone that people might remember in five year’s time:

“I want to be known as Jess and not his sister. I want fans to see me more as a laugh than someone serious.”

Don’t worry Jess. We’re laughing at you.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Danny Dyer is our favourite actor, mostly because he seems genuinely confused between ‘pretending to be hard in a film’ and ‘real life’.

He probably imagines that when he’s out shopping, he can’t resist a cheeky Cockney smile before battering the butcher with his own cleaver, and coming out with an incomprehensible witticism.

Implausibly, Danny has turned his gangster hand away from guns, but towards his keyboard, to put together a weekly column for Zoo magazine, covering such important issues as ‘how many sausages should you have on a fry up?’ (at least four) and ‘If I was Prime Minister…’ (‘legalise cannabis’ and ‘castrate anyone caught noncing’.)

The bit that’s got everyone all in a twizzle though is his rubbish agony uncle column, ‘Ask Danny’…

We assumed all the letters to ‘Ask Danny’ were fictional until some plank actually admitted it was him writing in. And what did Alex from Manchester write in? He can’t get over his ex, even though they broke up months ago. Obviously the right answer is a drug-fuelled hooker binge, but Danny doesn’t see things like that. His response is a bit more… blunt:

Of course, the other option is to cut your ex’s face, and then no one will want her…

Well, why not? Might as well set fire to her fanny as well, so she can’t do anything if someone does want her. Oh wait, what’s this from Danny’s column earlier in the month?

Maybe set light to the muff hair. That stuff goes up quick, like a thatched roof.

Hmm. Danny seems to forget that Zoo’s readership is almost entirely made up of easily impressed 13-year-olds that are amazed by tits, cars and football. Or footy or kickyball or whatever they call it now, and not a cynical bunch of internet-hardened types that can understand that jokes go wrong.

Twitter went into a self-righteous hum of bothering Zoo’s editor and being outraged over the sheer stupidity of the column. Zoo quickly issued an apology:

Due to an extremely regrettable production error, an inappropriate and indefensible response to a letter has appeared in this week’s issue. ZOO editor, Tom Etherington, apologises unreservedly for any offence the response may have caused and has launched an internal enquiry to ensure lessons are learnt.

It’s a good job the production error didn’t lead to any of the magazine’s other features: ‘The Week in Boobs’ or ‘Camera Flash’ or ‘Red Hot Redheads’ or ‘Babe Election 2010′ or ‘Real Girl of the Year’ or ‘In Bed With…’ or ‘Your Sex Questions’ or ‘Crack the Rack’ (guess the size and if they’re real) or ‘Breast Friends’.

As for Danny himself:

I have been completely misquoted.

Propah nawty, geezah.

This was a guest blog by Nik Johnson from Shouting At Cows. Whoopee!

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Several years ago hecklerspray was gifted a beautiful video camera from a nice Japanese tourist that was afraid to chase us into a hazardous construction zone.

It was a nice camera too. It had an on and off button, a lens cap attached by a string, and as of 15 minutes after we got it – cement dried and smeared down the side. That was from the construction zone.

Our first project with the new toy was to film a typical day in the life of our grandmother. She cooked eggs, sewed a blanket, bathed with a wash cloth using stagnant water from the kitchen sink, and choked a neighbour with a hammock while accusing them of newspaper-theft.

She took to that camera pretty well. Nanners was photogenic too – and she more than convinced us the media had her all wrong. Yup – she’s a real Denise Richards. Don’t tell Richards’ neighbours that, though. If they find out there’s another one their heads might explode.

They’re quite sick of her you know.

Denise Richards couldn’t be more unwelcome in her own home if she was living in a gated community stuffed full of Charlie Sheens. It’s all those reality TV people filming her all the time. There are literally thousands of them – and all willing to stand on the neighbour’s children if it means filming from a more aesthetic angle. This is particularly bad as reality TV crews are renowned for always wearing big, heavy boots.

To put it bluntly, an angry neighbor of Richards has recently said:

“This is a gated community, not a zoo.”

Not a zoo? Explain then why there are signs posted all over Richards’ yard warning not to feed her popcorn, cotton candy or chewing gum.

Sounds like a zoo to us.

Be warned though, neighbours – don’t confront this woman. If you do you’re likely to get physically hit with an entire computer while Pamela Anderson looks on, embroiled in a nasty, nasty child-filled divorce, and possibly get called a word that rhymes with chigger by an ex-husband even though you’re neither black nor participating in a Dave Chappelle comedy skit.

The neighbours are also apparently upset by the quantity of dogs Richards keeps on site. As Star puts it:

“The former Playmate has also run afoul of the L.A. County Department of Animal Care & Control after featuring her 14 dogs on It’s Complicated. Another insider says that she received a letter warning her that if she’s living with more than three dogs, she has to obtain a kennel license.”

Sounds like your neighbours don’t mind if you’re training for the iditarod, Richards, so long as you do so within the parameters of what the local code allows.

Let’s just keep that in mind.