Apparently, ITV’s surprise smash hit The Only Way is Essex is coming back for a third series on Monday and, in a desperate attempt to remind us why we gave a crap in the first place, they’ve been carting the stars out in front of the press. The excitement is almost too much for us to take.
Oh, look at that. We pulled through.
Of course, one star in need of a pay-cheque from the tat-peddling celeb factory that is TOWIE is Jessica Wright. Speaking to some awful red-top tabloid, the quintessential Essex stereotype told the braying masses what they can expect of her and it appears there might be a few changes.
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Danny Dyer is our favourite actor, mostly because he seems genuinely confused between ‘pretending to be hard in a film’ and ‘real life’.
He probably imagines that when he’s out shopping, he can’t resist a cheeky Cockney smile before battering the butcher with his own cleaver, and coming out with an incomprehensible witticism.
Implausibly, Danny has turned his gangster hand away from guns, but towards his keyboard, to put together a weekly column for Zoo magazine, covering such important issues as ‘how many sausages should you have on a fry up?’ (at least four) and ‘If I was Prime Minister…’ (‘legalise cannabis’ and ‘castrate anyone caught noncing’.)
The bit that’s got everyone all in a twizzle though is his rubbish agony uncle column, ‘Ask Danny’…
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Several years ago hecklerspray was gifted a beautiful video camera from a nice Japanese tourist that was afraid to chase us into a hazardous construction zone.
It was a nice camera too. It had an on and off button, a lens cap attached by a string, and as of 15 minutes after we got it – cement dried and smeared down the side. That was from the construction zone.
Our first project with the new toy was to film a typical day in the life of our grandmother. She cooked eggs, sewed a blanket, bathed with a wash cloth using stagnant water from the kitchen sink, and choked a neighbour with a hammock while accusing them of newspaper-theft.
She took to that camera pretty well. Nanners was photogenic too – and she more than convinced us the media had her all wrong. Yup – she’s a real Denise Richards. Don’t tell Richards’ neighbours that, though. If they find out there’s another one their heads might explode.
They’re quite sick of her you know.
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