Zoe Salmon - HecklerSpray

Dancing On Ice: Zoe Salmon Sobs Off

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

This might be a record – if we’re correct then next week’s Dancing On Ice semi-final will be the least talented on record.

That’s because last night Zoe Salmon was voted off. We can see why – Zoe’s routine to Run was preceded by a VT about what a deranged little madam she is, and it actually looked like she was crying through the performance – but this means that either Coleen Nolan or Donal McIntyre will definitely make the final now. How completely messed up.

Anyway, Zoe Salmon is out of Dancing On Ice, so here’s the rundown for Coleen Nolan…

Dancing On Ice: Jessica And Zoe

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Before we start looking at today’s Dancing On Ice contestants, we really should applaud Torvill and Dean.

Usually Torvill and Dean’s Dancing On Ice openings are flaccid displays of ego that just hold everything up and make the show five minutes longer than it needs to be. But not on Sunday – on Sunday their routine legitimately defied description. It was a sort of arctic gay-off that culminated in an actual rainstorm. Sadly Christopher Dean wasn’t struck by lightning at the end but, hey, maybe next time.

Anyway, on to the Dancing On Ice rundowns for Jessica Taylor and Zoe Salmon…

Dancing On Ice: Zoe Salmon & Jessica Taylor

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Does anyone else get the feeling that Dancing On Ice isn’t really trying any more?

We’re just asking because the required element on Sunday’s Dancing On Ice was just rubbish. They had to skate on one leg, bend down, spin around and then stop. Hey, Dancing On Ice, that’s not what we want from our required elements. We want the required element to be a lion, on skates, chasing Ray Quinn around. Got that?

Here’s the Dancing On Ice review for Zoe Salmon and Jessica Taylor…

Dancing On Ice: Zoe Salmon & Jessica Taylor

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Ready for some more Dancing On Ice action? Don’t answer that, we know you’re not. We were being rhetorical.

Anyway, now that Dancing On Ice has been going for a few weeks, we’re starting to see the required elements get harder and harder. On Sunday’s show, for example, the required element involved spinning around a for bit. We don’t know about you, but it’s death-defying stunts like that that make us proud to be British.

Here are the Dancing On Ice rundowns for Zoe Salmon and Jessica Taylor…

Dancing On Ice: Coleen Nolan & Zoe Salmon

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Oh, the Dancing On Ice midweek lull. How we hate you.

Last week’s show is now fading from memory, and we still have over half a week before the next one begins. What will it bring? Who’ll skate well? Who’ll skate badly? What desperately pre-rehearsed facial expression will Skeletor Judge pull when everyone boos his name? How many times will Holly Willoughby say ‘thank you’ to the judges within the space of one sentence? More than five? We just can’t wait to find out.

In the meantime, though, here’s the Dancing On Ice rundown for Coleen Nolan and Zoe Salmon…

Dancing On Ice: TODD CARTY! Plus Others

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Time for another Dancing On Ice rundown. You can thank us however you want, although we do prefer cash.

But first – the Dancing On Ice judges. Has anyone else noticed that Ruthie Henshall seems to be gunning for Skeletor Judge‘s crown as most deliberately nasty judge? Time after time she’s given the lowest marks of any of the Dancing On Ice judges. Thank heavens that Ben From Lost Judge is still there to balance it all out. Phew.

Anyway, here’s our Dancing On Ice rundown for Zoe Salmon, Roxanne Pallett and Todd Carty…

Dancing On Ice: Ray Quinn’s Going To Win, The Little Sod

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

It’s the fourth and final day of this week’s hecklerspray Dancing On Ice rundown, so you’ve got a few days off before it all starts again.

So what are we most looking forward to on Sunday’s Dancing On Ice? Well, Todd Carty, obviously. And that’s about it. Oh, and the empty sensation that we’re wasting our lives. Those two things. Mainly the second one, now we come to think of it.

Anyway, here’s our Dancing On Ice rundowns for Zoe Salmon, Jessica Taylor and Ray Quinn…